Inside my car accident, my story


Friday, April 15, 2011

      I'm writing this story because I think it could help other people to be more aware of what someone goes through when they are hurt badly, I had no one to help me after my accident to guide me through all the feelings I was experiencing. I wish I would have had someone to tell me that what I was feeling was normal. That it would get better with time.
 Do NOT judge anything I'm saying or anyone I'm mentioning. This was 20 years ago, and a lot of things can change in 20 years.
I've written it the best way I can remember it. I may have missed details or got some stuff in the wrong order.
  My car accident has played a great part and has greatly changed my life and I hope that whoever reads it can be more aware of what can happen in life. That things or people shouldn't be taken for granted as you never know what's going to happen, even today. Our plans are not our own if they were I surely would have changed mine!!!. They are only if's. There is something greater than ourselves that is in control.  Live your life to the best of your ability. You can only do it once, there's no second chances.  That's why we have these lessons to go through in our lives, it's to teach us, to open our eyes and see, see what's right there before us. If only we didn't choose to turn a "blind" eye to it.

 this will be edited slightly to fit into my "book"
          
Inside my car accident

     I am 24 years old, married with 2 kids and I'm feeling so strong, I feel stronger than I've ever felt before. I don't know why, I must have done something right. I feel like super woman, as if I'd be able to go through anything and survive, no problem!.....a really good feeling but I don't know where it's coming from, I can't understand it, but I think I must have done something to make myself like this but I don't know what, I must be really strong!

  My oldest boy is 8 years old whom I had before I was married  and my daughter is one and a half. I had got married at the age of 22, why I'm not sure, immature and dumb comes to mind. It wasn't a wise decision but I thought that's what I wanted at the time. I didn't understand what marriage was, having grown up without a father I never really got to see what a marriage was or how to deal or understand men. My father left my mother and us 4 kids when I was only a baby. Growing up was hard but that's another story.

  My mother did all she could to keep us fed and clothed. She was both mother and father to us. She never remarried but saved all her time for us and tried to give us the best that she could. We never lacked of love. We always knew she would do anything for us and that she'd always be there. She became my best friend through the years as I got older and especially when I moved out of home. We would do everything together when I would come home for a visit. We liked all the same TV programs, we would go for long walks and talk about everything. I would go with her to visit her friends and she would come with me to visit mine.
  When I was 14 years old and I got pregnant for my son. I had placenta previa which is the afterbirth that is before the baby and it's very dangerous for the baby and the mother. The doctors told me that if the baby was born naturally that it would probably drown in the blood and I could die too. I was in the hospital, in bed for a month and one week. My mother, who couldn't afford to have a car to travel, found a way to get there every single day! She would stay all day long and find a way to get back home at night. I would tell her she didn't have to come every day but she would say that she wouldn't want to be stuck in a hospital bed with no one to talk to, so she kept coming. I so appreciated her being there. I can remember feeling so thankful that my mom was there. I thought I had the greatest mom in the world and someday maybe I could repay her for her kindness and thoughtfulness.
  My marriage was not working out, too many differences, he was Tarzan and he wanted me to be Jane but I didn't want to be Jane I wanted to be me, so it caused a lot of complications that we didn't know how to handle.
 I was 24 years old when my mother had just had a serious operation on her bowel where the doctor thought it was cancer but test results showed that it wasn't.  I was going to see her everyday like she did for me. I finally had my chance to do something for my mother! I was so glad to do it as I wanted my mother to have the best of care because she deserved it. I only had a few more days to go before I could pick her up and bring her home where I would stay with her for a few weeks until she was all healed and back to work. But that wasn't to be.
   I got up that morning after not sleeping much that night due to a thunderstorm. It had been thundering and raining all night. I got dressed and got the kids ready to go to the babysitters where they had been going for the past week or so while I stayed with mom. Something kept nagging at me. a gut feeling, a voice? something kept telling me not to go to the hospital that day, but I would put it off by telling myself, "you have to go, your mother needs you" but still the voice persisted "don't go" and I would start talking to myself again " What's your problem, don't be silly, it's just the storm that's spooked you, you are going, your mother needs you!" So off I went, into the rain and thunder, to the hospital that was a bit over a half hour away. I made it there no problem at all, saying to myself, "see you had nothing to worry about"
 I spent the day with my mom and she was slowly starting to re-cooperate and I was starting to feel a lot better about her situation. I could finally see she was starting to heal. I was so scared for a while; she looked like she was going to die. Just a few more days and everything would start getting back to normal. I could take her home and look after her there for a few more weeks and have my kids with me too and we could start living life as normal again.
 I started feeling guilty that I had been leaving my daughter with a babysitter every day. It was messing up her schedule a lot and I wanted to spend more time with her. I told mom I was going to leave an hour earlier so I could spend more time with her to settle her down before she went to bed. So around 3:45 or so, I started for home. I was so tired after the long week or so of traveling to the hospital and worrying about mom, I just wanted to get home and have my kids home and relax. I remember driving on the highway and my eyes getting glazed over and shaking my head to clear my eyes. Ok, focus! I started looking at the scenery to try to get myself more alert. I passed by this blue house that I always liked. It had tall trees that bordered the front yard. It was a strange place for a house to be, as it was one of a few house built on the highway. Then came the sharp curve and then the highway got straight again....almost to the kayak brook.... Still thinking about going home and getting my kids and my plans for the future. I saw a car at a distance that came on my side of the road as if they were going to pass a car but there was no car ahead of them. I wondered if they were hydro planning but there were no ruts of water where we were although the pave was wet. I didn't really think too much about it. I figured someone was not paying attention to what they were doing and came on my side of the road and would pull back over to their side as soon as they discovered their error. The car kept coming straight at me and then as if in slow motion everything got crystal clear. I knew this car was going to hit me even before it did. My life flashed before my eyes in seconds. I never knew so many things could go through your mind in such a short time.. Why wasn't the car going back to their side? Why was it still coming towards me? What's wrong? Why? Why? What should I do? a car accident! a head on collision!!! don't people usually die from this?? I don't want to die! sob, I need to look after my mother!, sob ....Should I go on the other side of the road? I can't see what's coming!!! I don't want to hit in another car behind them!! I don't want to die! sob, My children!! What will happen to my children they need me!! They can't grow up without a mother, no one loves them like I do!! Maybe if I go in the ditch I can miss it! Turn the wheel!! Turn it!! It's ok!! My mother will be so upset if I die. She won't want me to die!! I have to live so she won't be upset!! Oh God I'm so scared!!! sob. I'm going for the ditch, my chances might be better!!! I'm so angry!! If anyone's going to die it better be you!!! you son of a "gun"!!!...WHO are you???.....let me get a look at you, I want to see your face!!! ....... I'll put both feet on the brake and brace myself for the impact..............BANG there we go, we hit, driver to driver.... What's happening??.... it feels so unreal.....I'm flying.....am I still alive???.....I feel like a rag doll....I have no control....I thought I'd have more control..........I can't stop my face from hitting the steering wheel.....I cut myself....I cut my face....I can feel it....It's ok it's just my face...it's just a cut....I'm still alive ....everything is moving, I'm spinning around................it feels like forever..................I'm still alive…I think I’m still alive…I’m not sure though..............everything has stopped.... it's quiet...the car isn't moving anymore....Oh God I'm still alive!!!.............I wonder if anyone seen me, if there's any cars around?.........Did they see the accident...............will they help me?...........I can feel my teeth.....why can I feel my teeth?......I think I can feel skin hanging on the inside of my mouth...............Oh God.....they feel like they're not in the right place......not one of them.....eeeeeewww...I can feel them with my tongue.........they feel like they're floating around in my mouth.........they don't go together......It feels weird to put my teeth together.....I think they're a mess........... I have to spit little pieces out........................it feels too weird.............Ohhhhhh I don't feel very good............I'm bleeding......Ok...I'm bleeding......it's dripping in my eyes.....I can't wipe it off.....it just keeps dripping.....I think I put my hand in that cut…I’d better not do that…..it's dripping on my brand new blue and white striped pants...........I just bough them........I can't see in my right eye...........the blood just keeps dripping in my eye.....I can't wipe it off.....I'm bleeding.....it's dripping from my chin to my lap........on my jacket.........NO!!! I have my mother's  jacket on!!!.....I'm ruining my mother's peach jacket!!!!...sob...I feel so bad.....I don't want to ruin her jacket!!!....I've ruined her jacket....I hope she won't be mad because I ruined her jacket......I can't be here!!....This can't be happening.......I didn't plan this!!!!........This isn't the way it's supposed to be......why can't I wipe up the blood...It just keeps coming from everywhere!!......I can't feel dry skin on my face and now my hands are full of blood too..........Is the car still on? I'm so scared!!  Is it on fire???.....I have to shut off the car.......shut off the car, turn off the ignition switch,....I can't do it.......it's not working......it doesn't move.....Why isn't it moving.....maybe I don't have the strength.......I feel so weak........turn it off...... it's all twisted..... turn it off!!...it's not safe if the car is on!!  keep trying......ok it should be off.... it's all twisted, the metal is all twisted, I can barely even see the ignition switch....it's almost buried in the steering wheel..... it should be off...I can't hear the engine....I can't hear if the car is on or not.....Why can't I hear?? ...... It should be off , don't worry about it..... Where is everybody? Why isn't there anyone here?....Stay calm......Ooooooh I don't feel good.....I feel like I'm going to pass out.......shake your head it will pass....I have to get out......the door won't open.......I can't get the door open!!!! Oh God!! is the car on fire!???!!!.......It's ok the ambulance guys will be here soon..... they can put out a fire if there's one..... please hurry, I'm so scared.....I've got to get out of here!!!!.....I can't move......I'm stuck....Oh God I'm stuck......Why am I stuck?......I can't see my feet.......I can't see my feet.....Oh God I'm pinned in the car!!!!!!!.....the metal is all around my legs....my legs are pinned in the metal of the car..noooooo..I have to get out!!!.....I wonder if I can pull them out....YES pull hard!!!! PULL!!! PULL!! Try the other one!!!.......click click click....OH NO!!......what happened there??....I felt something.....something didn't feel right.....I'd better not pull anymore....something happened...It felt like my bones separating............. I wonder why?....It's not good.....not good at all..stay calm.....Please someone help me!!!..... I cut my face..... I need to see..... I'll look in my rear view mirror...... focus..... try again, it's there, the mirror is there.....focus.....try again that's where the mirror is, I can see it, it's there........ I can see my hand reaching for the mirror, I know it's there but it's going through it...... my hand is going through the mirror....try again......nope, no contact  how can that be? but I see it, it's there....try again.....my hand can't go through a mirror!!..... the mirror isn't there..... it's not there.....I can't believe the mirror is not there........... I wonder where it went? backseat maybe?........am I crazy?....Did I lose my mind?......it's because of the blow to my head..........no I don't see it...... don't know where it is..... oh well..........probably it's better that way........I don't think I'm supposed to see............Where are my glasses??.... they must have flown off....probably in the backseat with the mirror.......it's 4:00pm, it's 4:00pm!!.....So weird that I can notice what time it is, at a time like this!! The clock must have stopped there when the cars hit together..........Someone help me!!!!......I see a man......I see a man in the window!!!.......Thank God someone's here..........Help me!!!........why is his face so white?......please don't leave me!!!   Please, I'm so scared!!.......ok, yes he has to go look for the other person in the other car too. I hope she's not dead!! please let her be alive, I forgive her for hitting into me!!! please let her live!!..I really don’t want her to be dead........ oooooh I feel sick............my ears are ringing so loudly........that's why I couldn't hear if the car was on or not.........shake your head again, stay awake....you need to stay awake...don’t let yourself pass out...someone else at the window........a man......why is he so white?......why is he backing away???? NOOOOOO!!! I'm scared, please!!! please!!! don't leave me!!!!.........I can see them.....all around the car.......they're all white.....they look so scared.......I wonder why?......Is it because of me???.......It's ok, they don't need to be afraid of me!!........I'm ok!.....I'm alive.......I can do this........please someone stay with me, I'm so scared.............I just need someone with me....I can do this.....I'm ok, it's not as bad as it looks!!...........it's just me!!!.......
Another face at the window.....how long will this one stay...........how am I doing?  How do you think I'm doing??? Hello!!??!!  I'm not even going to answer that!!! ...silent!.......silent!........another man in the window.......this one is different......he's not as white.......he's holding my hand!!! he's not afraid of me!!! Please stay with me!!Oh thank God, thank God, I'm not alone!!!  who are you?....I'm not alone.....can I lay my head down on the window?......I can't hold my head up anymore...........the window pane isn't there........it must have been smashed out of my door.....I hope there isn't any broken glass where I lay my head.....I can see him....the nice man who is holding my hand......I'm not alone......his face is very close to mine....it comforts me......I'm ok.......I'll just look at him.........he has light brown almost reddish, blondish, curly, kind of bushy hair....light completion, maybe a few freckles,a straight pointy nose...strong thin face...he looks sure of himself, like nothing would bother him, he looks to be around his 30's . He has thin rimmed glasses.....like John Denver glasses....slightly tinted dark.......maybe some gold in them.....he looks familiar...he looks French.....he looks like he should be from my hometown.....but I don't know him......he has a small reassuring smile on his face....I'm so glad he's here!!...   Please hurry ambulance and fire truck!! I don't want the car to catch on fire.....
 The car is shaking, why is the car shaking???......I see them,....some guys on both side of the car, they're shaking the car...rocking it back and forth.....those guys are trying to open my doors....I don't think they should do that.....what if it causes a spark???........the fire trucks aren't here.....uhhhhmmmm I'm so scared!!!....Why are they taking so long???.....Rocking...rocking......please...God...... stop!!.....I don't want to catch on fire!!! please!!!................  Finally!! they stopped....they can't open the doors.........they look really worried..............what is that I hear?........sirens?.......yes sirens!!!! Thank God they're here!!!.....finally!!......now if the car is on fire or if it catches on fire they have the equipment to shut if off!!!

I can see them......those firemen.......they're checking out the situation.............an ambulance attendant at my window........he says his name is Ray......I'm scared Ray....I'm so scared......he understands....you're doing really well he says....he's going to come in the car with me????....is he crazy????......I can't believe he's getting in the car with me!!!......through the passenger door window..........he is putting his arms around me......I'm full of blood!!!.....Do you mind Ray that I'm full of blood?........You don't?......I can't believe he doesn't mind, he's going to ruin all his clothes........Thank God he's here!!!...I’m so thankful...I'm going to be safe now....I'm not alone......I'm still scared though.......Is it alright if I put my head on your shoulder?.....I can't keep my head up.......I hurt........my knees really hurt......the steering wheel is on my lap and my right leg is somewhere around where the brake should be and my other leg is in the driver's door. I wonder if my knees are broken?...if they're not, they are sure close to the breaking point.....I'm so tired.........I feel better with this strange man's arms around me.....it's almost like we could be on a date!......it feels so strange.......I'll just pretend I'm out on a date for a while so I don't have to be here............ thank God he's here!!!....What? they're going to put a tarp over us??......that sounds scary.......will I feel claustrophobic?........Ray says we need to do that, it will be safer.....so the glass won't fall on us.....ok Ray....whatever you say.....I'll trust you....I have to trust you...I have no choice.........this man is wonderful.........he's risking his life for me.......I'm so grateful.......wow.....how many people do I know that would do this.........this is so precious......he's not only saving my life but my sanity....He's helping me to not go crazy and loose it!

  I hurt so bad!!! My knees and my feet are hurting so bad........try not to complain too much you are going to annoy him!!.......but they hurt so bad!!!!.......I can't stop saying it!........they hurt!!!..........You're doing really good, I'm so amazed at how well your doing, most people would be panicking and screaming, I would be for sure he said..........Really??? He probably sees a lot of accidents.....I thought I was doing horrible.....whining and complaining...................
Ok I can hear the crunch of metal.....I can feel a rush of air as they take the doors off. First one then the other......Ohhhh my knees hurt so bad!!!........I can start to feel my feet more and more now, I couldn't feel them at first............They are cutting away the windshield too......someone explains that they're going to cut my seat.....I can hear them rummaging around under my seat from the backseat.....then finally!!!....relief from the stress of having my knees at almost the breaking point as they back my seat up into the back seat!!!......Wow!!!.....it's finally starting to look like I'm getting out soon........it's been almost an  hour.............now they cut the roof off and the windshield.........ok now they are warning me that they are going to stretch out the front of the car where it has been squashed in......I wonder why they are warning me?.............Ohhhhhh.....it's loosening the metal around my legs.......I hurt......I hurt so bad........but it's going to be over soon.....they are making progress......it's not enough........a bit more...........someone's at my feet ....some man is laying down from the passenger’s side on the floor and he's got his hands on my legs......he's tugging at them trying to get my feet from the metal..........I can hear myself screaming in pain........and I'm getting really angry.......are you stupid or what???? don't you know my feet hurt???!!!.....What is wrong with this man!!!!.......pulling on my feet that are pinned in this metal!!!......he should know that my feet are hurting!!!........ok....they are going to try to straighten the metal a bit more........ok I don't care now..........I won't say a word.......I'm finished!!!!.......I'll hold my breath......I won't scream!!......I won't!!! .... I want out!!!.....this is enough!!!....doesn't matter what I feel, I won't say anything!!!....they have to get my feet out of this car........I'm not going to be pinned in here anymore!!!......I'll be free.......take a deep breath in........PULL!!!  they came right out!!! I'm out!!!! I'm out!!! I'm out!!!!.....I have such an overwhelming feeling!!!!!..........Thank God!! Thank God!!!.....I made it, it's over!!!

  They took the tarp out, I'm looking around the car and everywhere I look I see people through my blurred vision watching the firemen working.......They are telling me they have to put something around my neck......I don't want something around my neck!......you shouldn't move your neck so we need to put something around it to keep it from moving.....but there's nothing wrong with my neck, I've been looking around in the backseat and everywhere.............I guess if you have to!!.....grrrr.....ok  we're going to put you on a back board....and strap you in so we can get you out of the car........Ok just get me out....get me out.....I’m finished with this…I want out!......I'm being moved.....I'm in a laying down position now.....I can feel rain on my face....it's going in my eyes......maybe if I cover my face with the blanket?.......No I can't do that, the people watching will think I'm dead!!.....I'll hold it up high so that it will stop the rain from raining on me and they'll be able to see that I'm not dead............I've never been in an ambulance before.....it's a strange feeling.........I'm so tired.......I hurt.........why is there so much noise!!.......can't you turn off the siren??!!.....It's too loud!! it's hurting my ears......no, you have to leave it on?.... sigh........we'll be to the hospital in a few minutes...........

So many questions?........I can barely talk.........my lips won't do what I want them too........they are not forming the words and I have about no energy left.......I'm trying to give them my phone number but it's hard to form the words to tell them..........go.... tell..... my mother!!!..........screeeeaaaaaammmmm!!!!.....sob sob......I can't get the words out...I can barely breathe through the pain..........take ....the blanket........ off ......my feet!!! ....Oh God it hurts!!!!....no I'm not going to even think of why the blanket on my feet hurts so bad..............
There's my doctor!!!!......I'm so happy to see her!!! she came!!!............Why are you so white?, she's shaking her head........but she's a doctor!!!........Why is she all white???................Noooo!!! She has to go...........please don't leave me!!....She can't look....I must look really bad..
Nurses, doctors everywhere!!  How many of them are there??..........I've never seen so many at one time.....they must be all here...........they are cutting off my clothes.......my bran new pants!.....do you really have too?.....no not my mother's jacket!!......sigh.......do you really have to cut of my bra and panties in front of everybody!!!...........so much for being shy.........it's my monthly time...........how embarrassing........I can't even look.......She said it's ok they see this all the time, that makes me feel a bit better.........I'm still strapped to this board!!....my head is hurting where it's touching the board..........I can't move they said.........but I'm lying on glass!........I have to lay here on glass?.............I guess so.......sigh................here comes another doctor.......straight to my feet......screeeeeeeeaaaammm!!!!! sob sob........don't touch my feet!!!! it hurts!!!
another doctor coming and wiggles my toes.......screeeeeeeaaaammm!!! sob sob.......What's wrong with them??? Why do you need to wiggle my toes, can't you see I'm in a lot of pain!!!!???? hello!!!!...........here comes another doctor........STOP!!!.....don't you dare touch my feet!!!.......ok, ok I won't he says!!.......finally!......phew......
I know that doctor.........he's my mother's doctor.......yell to him as loud as you can......Dr.!  Dr!.....go tell my mother!!!   what?   Go...Tell.... My.... Mother!.......I sound so jerky and strange......the words are coming out so slurred and I am trying as hard as I can to say them properly so he can understand...............who's my mother he's asking?........Cecile, Cecile's my mother......why is he shaking his head no?? ....It's not a good idea??  but I want to see my mother...sob.....I need to tell her...sob sob...she won't like it if no one tells her........She'll be sooooo  mad........My mother knows things about her kids.......she senses.............She not well enough to upset her this late at night, I suppose he's right…....I will tell her in the morning he said.....I suppose it would be better that way she can get her rest tonight........I hope that's ok.....but I don’t like it, something tells me she needs to know but I can’t go against the doctor.
Breathe!!!.......Breathe!!!......What's going on?......breathe Lola, breathe!!!........Why are the nurses saying that?.........Oh God, they're trying to revive her, she dying!!!.......   Yes !!  Please breathe Lola, I don't want you to die right next to me!!!......I can hear them talking to her right next door to me but I can't see them because I'm pinned to this stupid board!!.....I have to be patient.....she needs all their attention.........just lay here quietly ‘til they have time to look at me........
My husbands here???....sob.....sob.......finally he's here, I'm so glad he made it here!!! sob sob...........I forgive him for being mean to me before sob we can make it better now!!......sob..........what is he saying?.....why is he telling me not to cry....doesn't he know it's because I'm so happy he's here..I finally have someone I know here with me........he's yelling at me louder and louder.....STOP CRYING!!!.Stop crying!!.......Ok I'll stop crying, I'll stop crying!.....why?....why doesn't he want me to cry??........No!! why are you taking off the bandage on my face doctor!!....he can't deal with this!! he just got here.......Yup there he goes...he's turning white, he's going to pass out now.......yes make him sit down nurse, get him a cold face cloth to put on his face .........sigh.......great!!! ..the one person I thought maybe could be here for me and I’m going to have to look after him…...
 need stitches......the doctor is going to stitch me up now......yak! he's putting a needle in my mouth and it's running down my throat and it's freezing my throat.......It taste awful......I can't feel the needle much…..everything is numb already.....it's taking so long....,,,..it's so gross!.....I want to spit this stuff out of my mouth............40 stitches....wow....how can he fit that many stitches in my mouth and chin?

You went where?........you went to see the car before coming here??...Did he just say he went to see the car before coming to the hospital??....The hospital called you to tell you I'd been in a car accident and told you to come right away?.........The car is totalled........a write off........he went to see the car before coming to see me...............why would he do that?.......I don't understand........
My brother is  here!!!   Kirk!!! I'm so glad you're here.........Dwayne is with him.......I wonder why Dwayne is with him...........Kirk! Go.... tell..... mom!!.....she knows???.......You went up to her room to ask her how I was???..........Uh oh.............She heard that there had been an accident and she had a funny feeling about it....she can't come see me.........they won't let her............I just want to give her a hug and tell her I'm alright and I'm sorry I got in an accident…sob sob

I've been laying on this board long enough now, I've been here for at least 3 hours!!...I'm sure with all these doctors that's been in here at least one of them could be looking after me!!!. That's enough!!! I'm in pain!!! I can feel the glass on the back of my head with my hand!!! I can't lay still any longer!!! I'm telling them if they don't do something soon, I'm going to move!!!......soon they say, soon......Soon isn't soon enough!! I can't help it anymore... it's unbearable......someone is bringing an ex-ray machine to me?........how do they do that I wonder.....I've never heard of that..........they're doing something with a machine, taking ex-rays I guess........I look like Fred Flinstone when he stubs his toe.......my right foot is swollen so badly.....it looks really strange......I hope it's not broken.......the other one looks alright.....I'm sure it's fine.....If my right foot is broken I hope they can put me on the same floor as my mother so we can be together. That would be cool. We'd be in the hospital at the same time. Maybe they'd even put us in the same room!! We could take care of each other!!!
What are you saying?????? Both feet shattered.........What does that mean? Shattered?................ WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!! SOB SOB SOB!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! I DON"T WANT TO GO TO HALIFAX!!!! THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY!!!! SOB SOB SOB ......Why do I sound so strange......I feel like it's really hard to cry........ Why can't I stay here with mom???.......nothing they can do for me here........ SOB SOB.....STOP CRYING!!! Why does he keep telling me not to cry!!??......I DON"T WANT TO GO!!! SOB SOB SOB.......I WANT TO STAY HERE!!!.......STOP CRYING!!!.....NO I DON'T WANT TO STOP CRYING!!!..... SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO!!!!....SOB SOB SOB...............
but I don't want to go to Halifax..........Why am I crying and no tears are coming out........I'm making such weird crying sounds........it's not coming out properly..........I sound like an animal............I'm so tired.............
I need to go because my feet are too bad to fix here?......sob.....I guess if I  have to go.....sob..........but my mother.....I don't want to leave her....I wanted to take care of her.....sob..............they're getting me ready to go in the ambulance now.....I can see that they're running around trying to get me ready...................Kirk, my brother will stay with mom...................someone else will look after her................I don't want to go to Halifax..........How did this happen?.........I can't believe this happened!..........It's not the way it's supposed to be...........I have to look after my mother........Who's going to look after my kids???.............My brother and his wife will look after the kids tonight.......I don't want to do this!...........I want to go hooooooome!!!

They've got the siren on again......it's too loud........you have to shut it off!!.......good they will when they get on the highway.......I'm scared again........I'm so scared......where's my husband?......why doesn't he hold my hand??.......doesn't he know how scared I am?........finally the ambulance guy is holding my hand......I'm so glad he's there.......I'm so scared
I'm on the road.......it's raining so hard........What if we have another accident......can it be I could have another accident?.......no it can't happen can it?........Who is driving???...........he's driving so weird and jerky......It feels like  he's going all over the road....can't someone else drive??..........Do they actually let anyone drive these ambulances??...........I don't like it, I don't like his driving at all..........Ok they will switch drivers when they stop for a rest........they actually stop for a rest?..........Oh I guess they may need to use the washroom or something......I wish they could keep going..........I don't want to be in here anymore..............I wish it was over..............I'm so tired.
We made it to Halifax!......Thank God!.............there goes the siren again................just for a short time..........
So much stopping and turning..........please hurry...........so much rain...........finally we're there

I can see a doctor........he says he's going to put  casts on my feet.........no doctor I can't hold my legs up....I just don't have the strength....I'm sorry......I can't hold them up......I can barely even hold my eyes open.....I'm too tired........I've never been this exhausted in my life...........someone is holding up my legs as the doctor wraps and wraps and wraps......they seem annoyed because I can't hold my feet up........I don't care...........round and round my legs, right to my knees.......I can still see my toes..............
screaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!.....ugh they did it again!!! Why do they keep touching my toes!!!!!  are they stupid? They tell me my feet are shattered and they keep wiggling them!!!..I have to tell them.. DON'T TOUCH MY FEET!!!
They've put me in a room now......I barely know what's going on..........I'm so not myself.........I feel strange................every time I doze off I have flash backs of the accident and I jamb on my brakes and I push against my cast and wake up screaming.........it's so hot.............it's very hot in here.........why do they have this room so hot?
My sister and my two cousins are here!!!.......thank God!!!........nurse says I can't see them? Why????..........not visiting hours........I DON"T CARE IF IT"S VISITING HOURS!!!! THEY DROVE 3 HOURS TO SEE ME!!!! HELLO!!!!!..........I know I'm not being nice, but I just can't help myself, I'm so mad!!!!!!........I demand for you to let them in!!! I need them!!!......sob..........I need them to look after me.....I need them to comfort me.......I need their help!!!!.....Ok they can come in now.........I don't like these nurses, they're mean!!!.................I want to go home...............my body is jerking............the pain is so bad.........I've never had this much pain before......even with kidney stones..........I can make my body stop jerking..............my sister is here.....she's trying so hard to help me.............I need a pillow......I need a pillow under my feet!!!!!.............I have to lift my legs and hold it up for her to put the pillow under it. My family is so supportive....I'm so glad they came.........................hurry........hurry..........HURRY!!!!!!!! ............I'm yelling.....it upsets her......I can't help it.......the pain is so bad...........
My sister and cousins stayed for 3 days and looked after me so well.........I'm so thankful for them.........people coming in and out............I can't remember them..............so hot...........nurses are rubbing me down with alcohol...........why are you rubbing me with alcohol?.............fever.........I have a fever..........it's better for  a while, more comfortable.................so hot...........I've never felt this hot before.............they're bringing me a fan?.......they're taking it from someone else's room?! ......I feel bad, I don't want to take it from someone else........they don't need it?.....are you sure?..........I need it because I have a high fever?......ok.........it feels a lot better............I'm getting medication...............it'll be fine

My husband's family is here........they pass by my room..........I can see them..........they don't know me.............they don't recognize me..................they see their son in the room and turn around and they look at me.........they're crying...........my father in law can't come in the room..............he doesn't want to..........it's too much for him to see...............I look awful...........my face is so swollen................I don't look like myself

 My father is here......Do I see my father here??!!.......he wants to kiss me on the cheek but there's not many places to kiss that isn't cut.......that's so strange that he's here.........This must be really serious to make my father come to see me.......I'm glad he's here........it's comforting somehow...........I can't say too much to him.......It feels awkward....I'm trying to find something to say but I'm in too much pain to think.........He's watching me jerking around.....I'm trying so hard to not do that, so he won't feel bad......I tell him I'm sorry about the jerking around but it's because of the pain......Grammie told him I was here and that he'd better come see me.........hmmmmm........I'm still glad he came.....he could have chosen not to come.....maybe he  cares a bit about me.........He's going........he'll be back another day..........He said he'd come back.....

My husband is saying that now that I'm in here, he's going to be putting his foot down and doing what he wants with the kids and he's going to decide who's going to be looking after them......I don't know what he means..........what is he going to be doing?..........it doesn't sound right............he wants his mother to look after them.......she's never looked after them before......she doesn't know them........they'll be so upset..........especially my baby girl.............she's never fed her........or put her to bed.........she's always said she couldn't look after kids..........her own mother always looked after her own kids when they were little.............I don't want them to go there..........I want them to stay with Kirk and Wendy or my sister.............I know they're safe and comforted.........I just want to go home..........my girl has never stayed overnight with anyone except me..........She won't sleep somewhere else...........who'll put her to bed?............she likes to cuddle first and fall asleep..........they won't know to do that............only my mother, Kirk and Wendy and my sister know how to do that.......I've got to get home....please God!.....I have to get home.........Soon......I will!!! I will get home and look after my kids!!!

 There's a boy laying down in a fetal position at the foot of my bed. He's sleeping......He's gone.....no there he is!......I wonder how he fits there with me in these big casts.....I can't see how he found the room at the foot of the bed..........He seems to be sleeping so peacefully.....he only looks to be around six years old. He's dressed in blue pj's........He's gone again.....
I can see this man, he's in a cloud..........I can only see his face and his neck and a bit of his chest..........He's speaking French to me!!........that's so strange........He's speaking French!!!.........Poof...he's gone......poof.....he's back.........I don't know what he's saying but I know he's speaking French to me.........He has a pointy nose and thin features........straight light brown hair combed slightly to the left side......but he keeps disappearing..........I wonder why?.......... maybe I'm  hallucinating.........maybe I should talk to a nurse about it.............There she is.........you think I'm hallucinating?............she's going to talk to the doctor about changing my pain medication.............There's the boy again!......curled up right at the foot of my bed!

I need to have an operation this morning.......it's been three days since my accident.....some of the swelling has gone down enough so now they can operate.........ex-rays again......I don't like going for the ex-rays, it's so hard to get my feet in the positions they want........I'm pretty scared..........I don't want to have an operation...............but I know it has to be done.........they are taking me on a stretcher......there's barely enough room in the elevator's for everyone.......the stretcher takes a lot of room!!!.........I'm afraid someone will hit my toes...........why didn't they just cover up my toes too!!!........................there's a young guy.............he's a porter or something........I think he's like an errand boy..........He looks really nervous and shy...................SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!!!! sob, sob............yup, I knew it........he hit my toes!!!..............he looks like he's going to cry..........he feels soooooo bad...........it's ok!!! I'm ok.......I try to smile, through my pain..........I know he didn't do it on purpose...........don't worry............

 There's big lights in my eyes...... they have to move me over to another table...........it's so cold looking in here.......metallic......cold..........sigh.........I don't feel like doing this!.................I don't like being put to sleep...........wow!!! The doctors are so handsome!!.............There are 3 of them and they're all handsome.............I didn't know doctors could be so good looking..........those eyes are dreamy.........I'll just concentrate on those eyes so I don't have to think about being put to sleep...

I'm awake again.........I feel like I'm dying..............I feel so bad................a shot of morphine?..............Isn't that something they give when you are dying.....................yes I need something................it's just a small dose...............Ohhhhhh that feels good..............I feel alive again....................ugh...I need more of that morphine................this is good stuff.............amazing how it takes your pain away.

Now I need to heal, I need to get out of this hospital soon!! I'm so glad I have my family here but they have to go back home now to their lives. I'm going to be alone again. Even my husband has to go home. I'm so sad....I don't like being alone here........I don't know anyone and the nurses are not friendly.........I'm sorry I haven't been nice....I've been so angry........It's normal?........the nurse said she would be worried if I wasn't angry..............The new cast they put......it's too tight.......I can't sleep and it's the middle of the night.........it's hurting badly.............it's way too tight.......such pressure, I can't stand it.........my feet are swelling...........nurse help me!.........good she's going to call the doctor.........yes here they are at the door, three doctor,.... it's too tight..........do you have to put that big light on and half blind me?...........good thing you look good doctors or I'd be really mad..............I hate it when they cut off my cast, it's so uncomfortable and painful............put my feet up high for a while?........get the swelling down...........check on me later?......oh ok................hmmmmm they seem to be looking at me too much and enjoying themselves.......I'm only in my night gown....I think I'll pull up my blanket over my chest..................it's feeling better, the swelling must have gone down..........good I won't have to change my cast again!!............I hate having to change my cast, every day it seems!!

So now for the big conversation with my doctor, now that I'm feeling a bit better. I don't really care what he's going to say, I will walk, not only will I walk I'll be dancing again!!! It doesn't matter that your telling me I'll never run again....I don't care.....but I will walk.....I won't stay in the hospital for months and months!!!  It'll take months and months to learn to walk again?...... NO you just watch me!!! You'll see, I WILL walk!!! I WILL!!! You can't stop me, I'll do it.....I won't even let myself think of anything else.................Nope I won't.......I won't think of it...............I won't let myself think of anything but walking!!!!.......There's no such thing as I CAN"T....I WILL......You can't stop me...It doesn't matter what you say......quiet.......quiet....quiet.........

Nurse....NURSE.....NURSE!!!!.....I need to pee!!.....nurse.........where are they??? I could be dying here and they wouldn't know..........I really need to pee bad.......NURSE!!!........I'm sure they can see that I've buzzed them....unless they're not around........Why do I have to wait so long at night when I ring for them............It's taking them about 3 hours or so before they come to give me a bed pan...........What's up with that???............You wait til I can get up, I'll find out where you are?!!.........ugh................Oh finally here comes a nurse........leave the bedpan in my room, you guys take too long to come, I can do it!!! Leave it!!!!..............You don't want to look after me, That's fine!! I'll look after myself.....I'm just stubborn enough to do it!!.....I don't need you......I'll look after myself.......I need to go home......sob............get me a wheel chair............Months and months I won't stay here!!!.......I'm going home soon...........I can do it......I can get in that wheel chair by myself!!!!  All I have to do is lift myself with my arms and slide my butt over to the wheel chair besides the bed and then lift my legs and place them on the pillows they put on the legs of the wheel chair. I can't put my feet down the doctor says because I can't have too much blood flowing in them, they'll swell. I can't put more than 10% of my body weight on my heels....That's not very much weight, only enough to lay my legs down on my heels..........
Well I may as well go for a spin down the hall...........So this is what this floor looks like........there's the nurses station....Ha! I'll be checking on them tonight to see where the heck they are!................there's the lounge..............here is a long dark empty hallway....it makes me feel lonely.......I'll turn around....

Hi mom!! I'm so glad you called.....sob....... be strong.......whimper.......don't cry, you'll make your mother feel bad........I'm so lonely mom.......I just want to come home.......try not to let your voice tremble!.........I won't cry............who's looking after my kids?.......Good my brother and his girlfriend are looking after the kids......
They love being there with Wendy, she's so good with them.......I know they'll take good care of them.....
Your friends are looking after you?.....I'm so glad..........I wanted to look after you mom.....don't cry!.....Maybe I can come home soon then everything will be fine........I want to go to your house.........I don't want to go home......I'll die there.......I won't make it......I can't........I'd be too depressed........It's not good there.......I have no support..........they won't look after me there......I can't do it there.....but I can do it at home where I'm loved.......I can do it..........I will!!! You'll see....whimper.....I miss you mom..........I need someone to write me letters, then I'll feel more like I have a part of home with me......write letters ......tell everyone to write letters........I love reading them......

It's been almost two weeks, now I know where those nurses are.....They're in the smoking room all night!!!!......The buzzer lights are on in the rooms and no one goes to help these people, they don't even pay attention..... they can't even get of bed......some people have no legs at all.......they can't get out of bed..........These nurses should be reported!!!.........What if someone was dying......they wouldn't even know.....it's a shame........Once I'm out of here I have to tell somebody about this.......I'm certainly not staying here!!! .......Why did this happen to me?......I can't believe it........How? Why?...This isn't in my plans.....

About every hour I'm getting in my wheel chair and going down the hall, that's all I have to do here. I'm alone so I might as well get some exercise...up and down the halls......in the lounge.......to the nurses station......hahaha, the nurses think I'm a body builder, so funny.......I'm building muscles from riding in this wheel chair and popping wheelie's....I've never been a body builder......although I seem to build muscle easily for some reason........back to my room............the door is closed........I have to go in backwards because my feet are sticking out straight....I can't open the door with my feet........push the door with your back......slowly....push.......almost in.............NOOOO!!!!.......screeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaam!!! sob sob..........the door closed on my feet!!! sob sob........I hate it here!!!........I HATE IT!!!! ......sob......I want to go home!!!!.........I'm so mad.........I want to tear everything apart..............but the best I can do is just throw my pillow around, I can't even get up to do anything else....It's a good thing!!!....There would be nothing left around here......I'd probably throw it out the window.......I'm so mad at life.......sob, sob, sob............I don't care anymore, I'm going to cry all I want!!!.......I'm mad.......I've been crying everyday anyhow....I may as well do a good job of it this time.........Are you ok?.........no lady I'm not ok........I want to go home......She heard me from the room of the girl she was visiting with across the hall..........I wasn't trying to be quiet.....I don't even care......I just want to go home......I'm so homesick........I miss my kids and I miss my mother.........She understands......she's saying soothing words but I don't know what they are..........it comforts me..........she seems very nice...........I'm alright..............I'm just lonely

My doctor is checking up on me again.............he says that the nurses say I'm doing incredibly well...AND.......if I can get my house ready for a wheelchair, I can go home on the weekend!!!!!!!.....Did he really say I can go home???.....I can't believe it!!!!!...........It's only been 2 weeks!!!!.........I've only been here for 2 weeks!!!.........I'm doing really well?...............your not joking right??????.........I'm so excited!!!!!!.......I'm going home!!!!!...........thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!......I have to call my mother..............Mom, I can come home this weekend!!!! Yes, yes, the doctor said I could if Kirk can make me a wheelchair ramp so I can get in the house!!!.......Oh God I can't wait!!!!.........I'm so excited...........I know he only has two days to do it, but I know he can!!! Please?, Please!!! just do it!!!! Ok see you on the weekend!!!!!  I'm so happy, so very happy!!! ......sigh.........I'm going to have a permanent smile on now til I get home!!!..........

The day is finally here..........the ambulance guys are here to pick me up, I'm going to see my kids and my mother at last.......................I can see the sign of my hometown..........it feels so strange to be going home in an ambulance........so strange...........there's my house........I'm home!.......I'm home...........I can barely breathe.......my chest is so tight with excitement.......how will they react to me?? Will they be happy to see me?.........How will they look at me?.......I wonder if they'll be happy to see me or will they be upset?
There's the ramp my brother built.....I'm soooo proud of him..............it's a little steep............the lady and the man in the ambulance are having a hard time bringing me up the ramp.......I'm afraid........it feels like they are going to let me fall. I don't think the lady is strong enough to handle the stretcher. I can feel the lack of support on that end......Oh God don't let me fall!!!......I really can't handle that right now..............

Hi mom...........my mom.........she's crying and hugging me.........don't cry mom, I'm fine now, I'm home..really!....I'm fine!!.........It's ok.......I made it..........Where's my kids?............my baby?......There they are!!!!............What's wrong???........she doesn't want me........she won't let me hold her...........she's scared of me...........she doesn't want me near her...........I feel so bad............she doesn't want me to hold her.........I can't even hug her............It's ok..........she'll get used to me again.........I just have to wait.......
Wow!, I'm home!.........I've only been away 2 weeks but it feels like a lifetime................my wheelchair fits in here.......I can get around fairly well............I get to sit in a comfortable chair.........the lazy boy chair!..........it feels so nice............How am I going to get across the room without my wheelchair?...............I wonder if I can get on the floor......It would feel good to get down on the floor...........it's not walking but at least I'd be somewhere where I'm used to being.............I'd be a bit more independent......................my arms are pretty strong now............I can carry my weight easily...................If I just lift myself up and put my heels on the floor I should be able to ease myself down on my butt..............here I go........yes I can do this............now how am I going to get across the room..............it's ok mom.........don't worry I can do it.............look mom, if I turn around and drag my butt across the floor with my hand I can move around and go anywhere!!!  I like this!........it's better than being in the wheel chair although it's slower........

I have a room to sleep in with a hospital bed...............my husband thought I needed a hospital bed...............I don't know why................they're not comfortable..................he doesn't like it that I came home to my mother's but I can't help it.........I would die if I went home with him..............I wouldn't make it.........I know.........I wouldn't have the courage to walk again...........I know it.............I wouldn't have anyone to look after me there............they want to get a nurse to look after me there and a babysitter for the kids...............I've had enough of nurses for a while...........I need my family.........my kids need to be with people who love them........I don't want to go there, I want to stay with my mother............my mother wants
me here....

I've been home for a few days.............I've been sleeping a lot........I'm really tired...........exhausted........
I have a phone call???........it's 11:00 pm.......I've been to bed since 9:00pm............Why is my husband calling me at 11:00 pm???.............What?? What are you saying???? Who??...........I said what???...........I never even talked to her.....Where are the kids??? What do you mean???? I thought they were with your mother???........To my sisters????.........I don't know anything about it????.........I don't care WHAT she told you, I'm NOT lying!!!!.....I can't believe this is happening........WHAT is he taking about???.why is he calling waking me up at this hour.........WHY is he so mad at me!!........I never did anything.......I really don't need this...........I can't deal with this................GOODBYE!!!...........I'm so mad.........I hung up on him!!........I've never done that before...........but I can't handle this right now..............Where are my kids???.....sob...........haven't I had enough??................sob....Why do I need to go through this???....sob, sob, sob......I can't help it mom...........I'm worried about my kids now!! Coady is sick.......he's on a maxi mist machine.................Why are they to my sisters house?.......I don't understand......he says that I told my sister to look after the kids because she could do a better job......He says his mother came home crying saying that my sister said to her that I didn't want her to look after the kids........it may be true that my sister can look after the kids better but I never said anything to my mother in law nor to my sister...........she has no idea how to give Coady his machine.......I'm glad Darlene is looking after Coady because she has a son that is asthmatic and is used to that kind of thing. But I don't know why she's saying I said anything because I didn't!

It's a beautiful day this morning even though last night was horrible......mom says, let go out on the patio.......my friend is here to visit me.......I'm so glad she's here...........it's the first time she's seen me since my accident...............it's only around 10:00 am and it's very warm out and nice..........it feels good

My husband is turning in the driveway?  What is he doing here this early??.....He doesn't look happy..........he's mad.....very mad.......he's coming up the steps shouting at me........I don't really know what he's saying.......he's shouting so loud........I think he's asking me why I said what I said to my sister?..........I'm trying to tell him I didn't say anything to anyone.........he doesn't want to believe me..........he just keeps shouting at me.................She's lying!!!!.........I didn't say anything to my sister!!!!.........I tell him to leave.......get out!!!! go home!!!! I don't want you here!!!..............he keeps coming towards me really fast.......he's very angry..........he has his fist out............he's done that before........but not with his closed fist......usually open to slap me.............but he just pretends like he's going to slap me he hasn't yet........but I'm always waiting for that time he's going to do it............but his fist is closed this time.......he's grabbing me.........he's got me lifted out of my wheel chair by my t-shirt.........he's drawing back his arm to swing.........PLEASE GOD!!! NO!!! not my face.........haven't I had enough!!!...........Please!!!!.............he 's going to punch me in the face.....................but my face will split open again!!!!!!!......I'm so scared.........sob, sob, sob..................my mother is screaming at him..........let her go!!!!.......he's drawing back again to hit me..............I can see he's fighting in his mind, trying  to decide if he should let me go or not, I think he's going to let me go but he draws back once again........I hear myself screaming as if it's coming from someone else....................I see my friend jumping over the patio fence and running down the road.............Something stops him....probably my mother screaming in his ear.....he lets me go...............words are pouring out of my mouth, I hardly know what I'm saying........I hear myself saying the words....don't you ever come back!!!!......leave and don't you ever come back!!! sob sob sob.........I don't want you anymore.............I can't do it.............He's going.......what a relief!!!.....he leaving!!!!..........I'm not dealing with him anymore..........I can't do it...... I tried, I wanted to....I don't think it's good for me.........I won't do it anymore.......no I won't...........I don't care if I have to live on the streets.......I won't be treated like this again!!!............My kids deserve better!!.......I don't want them to grow up seeing this kind of stuff..........it's not good for them......this is not the behavior I want them to learn....I'm going to die if I stay...........I have nightmares........I have nightmares that when I sleep he's going to kill me...............He's looking for our daughter................a friend has taken her for a walk...........I hope he doesn't find her....................Oh God please let this be over!!!

I need to take a bath again...........I went to my cousins house and she helped me get in the tub at her house......................I want to get in the tub and soak at my house ............I haven't been able to wash except in a basin for a while..................the tub is upstairs............I wonder how I can get upstairs.............. it's ok mom! I'll be alright!.........poor mom she worries about everything I do....but I love that she cares........maybe I can drag myself up there............I wonder?..........I can go up backwards....one step at a time.......hands on the bottom step, lift drag......hands on the next step....lift, drag.......I'm going up......it's working I can do this...........I can pull myself up the steps!!.....My legs are just hanging down, maybe more than they should be but I think it will be alright....It's only for a few minutes until I get up the steps........I can feel the blood going to my feet a bit and it's a bit painful.........There I've made it up the steps! I'm so proud.!.......yes I can take a bath!.........Ohhhh it's going to feel so good..............it's a bit hard to get my arms back far enough to lift myself up on the tub............it's taking almost all the strength I have to lift myself up................I've got it!...........now how am I going to sit in the water with these cast on.................if I just leave my legs on the side of the tub I should be able to......yup there I go......ahhhhh.......nice.......going down the steps goes a lot faster.

I'm trying to be as helpful as I can..........I don't want to be a burden on anyone..................I can help with the dishes........it hurts my back the way I need to twist my body around in the wheel chair to get at the dishes.......I can't wash them, but I can dry them............I can't believe I'm in a wheel chair....I still can't believe it.............I don't understand how this has happened.......it wasn't in my plans..............I have to start listening to that voice........the voice that told me not to go that day..............I know there was a voice..............I don't know what that voice is, but I have to start paying attention...........it could have saved me from a lot of trouble......

I'm so frustrated.....I want to feel normal..............I have such strong urges to be on my feet!...............I never would have thought that I could get such urges to stand on my feet........I guess we usually take walking and standing for granted like we will always be doing it............I guess there's no guarantee..........you never know............and it's sad that we don't know that..........we would appreciate it more..................I want to get up so bad...........I'll be so thankful when I can walk!! I will!!........I'll never take it for granted again if I can only walk!!!..............Maybe I can hang myself on the corner of the cupboard for a few seconds.....just to feel like I'm standing.......it seems to be about my height...................I can back up the wheel chair in the corner and lift myself with my arms holding on to the counter and let my feet dangle over the wheel chair..........yes, this works........I like it.......whenever I get a strong urge I'll do this................just to feel a bit like I'm standing.........

I've learned to get on my knees while I'm in bed..........without touching my feet on the bed.........I can balance on my knees as long as I don't fall back on my feet.............this is neat............I feel like I'm almost standing............I can see myself in the mirror..............I have no legs and no butt!!!...so skinny..I've always had full legs and a full butt...so funny!!........I've never seen that before!!.......I'm so small!............I look like a little girl.......my muscles are gone in the bottom half...............but the muscles in my top half are huge! ........I hope they come back when I start walking........

He's here!!!!.............he wants to take the kids from me!!!............I have the baby sitting in my lap in the wheel chair.......he's in the house!!!!!.............LEAVE!!!!.........NOOOOOOOOO!!! don't take her!!!!!!..............PLEASE!!!!! sob, sob, sob.........MOM!!!!! DON'T LET HIM TAKE HER!!!! SOB SOB
He says he's going to prove me an unfit mother!!!................YOUR HURTING HER!!!!!!!..... I can see my son, he's standing close by.......he's so pale..........he's so scared.............he's always been a strong boy..............but he's scared this time..........I've never seen him this scared..............what am I going to do???..........I can't fight him in a wheel chair!!!!! sob, sob, sob...........mom is trying to reason with him to let her go.......can't you see that you're hurting her!!!! .....she's crying!!!!....Please GOD don't take my kids!!!!................My brothers here!!!!!...He heard the commotion from upstairs......Kirk help me!!! he's trying to take our daughter away from me!!!!.............please don't let her go!!!!!!........................He wants to fight..............he wants to fight with my brother............he's challenging him................not a good thing to do..............I wouldn't challenge my brother to fight...........he's a lot stronger than you.............he's asking him to go outside................my brother is trying to calm him down............he doesn't want to calm down..........he want to fight......................my brother gets tired of the foolishness...............I can see his face changing.........he's getting angry.......................husband, you'd better run if my brother gets a hold of you........................stop him Kirk.................you can do it..........I know you are stronger than he is.................there he goes..............he's turning him around and pushing him out the door........he's not going to stand for this foolishness............he's going to protect me and my children.........I'm so thankful he's here!!!...........I don't know what I'd do without my family.............I love them so...........all of them........all of them that helped me through this..........but my brother protects us................I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been here..........He's gone now............it didn't take him long to  back down when he was outside.....he knows how strong my brother is..........he left............Please God let me get out of this wheel chair fast!!.........I can't stay here..............The doctor says I'm still in shock after a month................she says my eyes are still dilated.................I wonder what that means?.............doesn't sound good............what is shock?...............but  if it's about healing.....I can see why I'm not healing as fast as I should.................there's too much going on........I can't be in a wheel chair............I don't know how anyone could stand to live in one of these.........I hate it...........I'm not staying here........as soon as the doctor says I'm healed enough, I'm outta here!!..........I'll never stay.........I can't do it........but I will walk or I'll die trying.

I'm getting a bit stronger everyday....it's still very hard..........my face hurts almost as much as my feet now...........the bones in my jaw hurt really bad and so does my scar...................I helped the nurse remove all the stitches from my chin and mouth before we left the hospital............it's still swollen...........I never realized that I had been cut from the bottom of my chin right up through my lips and down the inside of my bottom lip and inside between my lip and teeth,......................my daughter lets me hold her now.........she's not afraid anymore........she squirms a lot......and sometimes she hits my jaw and it hurts sooooo bad!!

I'm glad it's summer, it would be worse if it was winter.......at least my brother and mother can take me outside on the patio,we have a big patio............I'm so glad my brother is here........he's so strong, he can pick me up like I'm  a baby and carry me around.......I feel so safe with him..........he can handle my wheel chair so well............my mother is doing a lot better.......I'm so glad

I love and hate going into malls..........I love having something to do.......at least I can shop, but the people stare at you so..............I'm sure I'm quite a sight with this big wheel chair with my feet sticking straight out and my feet propped up on pillows, but do they really need to be ignorant??........some actually stop in their tracks and watch me go by with their mouths hanging open!!......like what's up with that??.............then there are others that will come up to me and ask me what happened......I don't mind that.......the kids will especially do that.............I try to explain it to them in a way that won't scare them...........I don't want them to be afraid.......their eyes get really big when I tell them that I was in a car accident, I'm sure it makes them think and they've probably never even heard of such a thing before.

It has been 4 months now...so many trips back to the hospital......so far to go.............but I'm healing and that is good...................this is my last trip back and forth in this ambulance............they are going to take off the cast for good and take the pins out....................I really don't like it when they take off my cast......it is so painful...........it feels like they are cutting right into my bones even though they are just cutting the plaster.......my feet are sooooo sensitive..........I think just to blow on them would be painful...................

SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!!  I CAN'T HOLD MY FEET!!!!!.....SCREEAAAAM!!! It hurts!!!!!.......What's hurting they are asking ???..........I don't know!!..........sob..............they are putting on the cast again.............it stopped hurting...............they take it off again..........SCREEEAMMM!!!!! sob........it hurts again........I don't know why..............it's just because my feet have been in the same position for 4 months..........it's going to take a while to get used to it..............The doctors take my casts off again and.they are holding my feet in the same position as the cast was and it's not hurting but as soon as they let it go, it hurts again............it's getting better and better........they are moving my feet just slightly, a bit at a time until I can relax and let them fall naturally........so are you going to put me to sleep to take the pins out of my feet now?.......NO?.......hahaha yeah right!!!?.............your not?...no?.......so you're going to freeze me?......NO?? You're not going to freeze me???....What are you going to do then doctor???.........You're going to pull them out with plyers???..yeah that sounds interesting!!!.....and you're not going to put me asleep or freeze me???  I don't believe you!!!...hahaha...........you can't do that.......that's torture!!!............He's smilling.....He's really going to do that..........OH MY GOD!!!......he's really going to pull them out with plyers!!...........They must be crazy!!!.....He was smiling so it must not be that bad but it seems like it would be.........Mom can't come in.....she's too scared......she can't handle this...........she's going to stay outside in the waiting room...........I'm scared..............the ambulance guys will stay with me...........at least I know them as they've been traveling me back and forth to Halifax for months............it must be alright if they do this all the time..............it sounds like it should hurt...............they said it would hurt more to freeze me...................ok here we go..............I have two guys on either side of me holding my hands......it's probably a good thing............there's the plyers..............he's starting with the little one....all 5 of them are sticking out about an inch each........they are sticking out of my feet.........it looks like something out of a Frankenstein movie.........weird.........it doesn't look like my feet anymore..............I can see both bones in my legs so clearly.............it's like I only have bones and skin on top of them.....like a skeleton with skin...................he got the first one out............that wasn't too bad!! phew.......I thought it was going to be worse than that!!!.........no worse than having a tooth pulled at the dentist..............I can do this...............Oh.......the next one wasn't as good...........The next was worse!.......................they're wiggling the next one .......OHHHHHHH!!!!! it hurts!!!!!! sob sob...........I don't want to do it anymore!!!! the next one is big....the pin is really big...........I'm  so scared.......................................I can't breathe!!!!!!!........... IT"S STUCK!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!! SCREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!.....I see blood flying everywhere, over the doctors face, on the floor it's squirting everywhere!!! SOB, SOB, SOB,.....I'm making strange sounds...........it feels like it's never going to stop hurting..............my hands are so white from holding on to the guys hands........it's over, it's over!!!! It's alright now.........it's over...............................I can go home now
Hi mom.......I see the pained and worried look on her face......everyone is looking at me in the waiting room with a concerned look................everyone looks like they feel really bad for me....................mom says they heard me screaming really loud........................I'm ok now......I'm ok....it's over..I'm never doing it again.....let's go home

I'm home again!! I'm so excited!!!! I can go for therapy now....learn to walk again...................I wonder if I can walk now................they said I could learn to walk now........It's not far across the room................don't worry mom, I can do it!!!...........watch..........poor mom, she looks like she going to have a heart attack, hahaha...........................see I did it!!!..........I only needed to make 1 steps and a half and fall on the couch on the other side.......wow!!!! I'm walking!!!


 does it ever feel good...........independence............yes!

I won't need this wheel chair soon,......I'll be walking...........the therapist says that it takes a long time to start walking again...................he's giving me some crutches, I've never had crutches before....it feels strange to hold them..........he says for me to stand up with them.......................I try to stand up straight but I have NO balance and I feel myself falling forward and I can't stop myself, I'm going to smash right in the floor!!!.........someone is grabbing my shirt from the back.....................it's the therapist he didn't let me fall to the floor, he pulled me back up...........he's says  "oops, I guess your not ready for crutches, we'll have to start you with a walker until you can get your balance back"...............I'm a bit disappointed but not discouraged............a walker is for old people..............I don't want to feel old...........but it helps me a lot to regain my balance, I can walk around the floor there.........it's very painful.....but I don't care, I just want to walk..

I come home and walk around the house..............I wonder if I can walk outside??..............yeah I want to go for a walk.................ignore the pain.........the pain doesn't decide what your going to do...................I'm doing it, I can't believe I'm doing it.............I'm actually out for a walk by myself.................I feel like a "big girl"............I'm so happy!!!!..............it feels like I'm walking on broken glass................every step is sharp and painful, but I can't think of that too much, I have to ignore it........it's like if I would have pieces of glass sticking out from under my feet............it's weird.................everyone going by is waving to me, I feel like a celebrity..........I think they're happy to see me walking even if it is with a walker........................It's so painful......I can't stand it anymore..............I have to lift myself off of my feet while holding on to the walker with my arms to relieve some of the pain.........I can almost sit on the walker if I balance myself right........then I can keep going a bit more.............I've made it a few houses down the road, I think I'm doing pretty good............time to go back though, I don't want to collapse here on the road and I feel like I'm about to do that.

It's been a week now, I'm ready for the crutches, the walker just doesn't cut it anymore, it's in my way. I can walk around the house without any help except holding on to the walls and furniture.......I feel like such a dummy when I walk.............it's really hard to limp on 2 feet............makes you walk funny..........but I won't have any limps............I'm going to concentrate really hard on not limping........it's really hard to limp on 2 feet anyways so I may as well not do that......I have no feet I can favor............both hurt equally.........some of the toes on my right foot don't work.....I can't move them at all, I try really hard and it is so discouraging to not be able to do something I was doing before...it feels really bad and it seems like I'll never get over this feeling of somethings not right with my foot..........my ankle on the left foot is so crooked........every step I take I need to concentrate on keeping it straight
I never thought for a minute that I wouldn't walk again.........I dared not let myself think it.........I know I stopped the thought.........I can remember it there, trying to form itself, but I said no.............I wouldn't let it through because I thought that if I did, it would stop me from walking and I was going to walk, I had to.

I said I would go dancing, not only walk, so now I have to go dancing at the Legion hall......I'm a bit embarrassed going in with crutches. It's somehow makes you feel less than because you know people will look at you with pity.
There is a song I've been listening to on the radio and it makes me cry every time I hear it. It's called " When I'm back on my feet again" by Michael Bolton.....it goes like this:

Gonna break these chains around me
Gonna learn to fly again
May be hard, may be hard
But I'll do it
When I'm back on my feet again
Soon these tears will all be dried'
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time
But I'll see it
When I'm back on my feet again

Chorus
When I'm back on my feet again
I'll walk proud down this street again
And they'll all look at me again
And they'll see that I'm strong

Gonna hear the children laughing
Gonna hear the voices sing
Won't be long, won't be long
Till i hear them
When I'm back on my feet again

Gonna feel the sweet light of heaven
Shining down its light on me
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will feel it
When I'm back on my feet again

This gives me comfort and gives me hope for the future, that I won't be pitied anymore but I'll be strong, someday they won't see my problems but they'll see me the person I am. The strength I've been given.

My father-in-law and Mother-in-law is there at this dance.........that's not good.............I wonder how they'll behave............I'll just stay on my side of the hall.........hopefully they won't bother me.........................I'm dancing, I'm dancing on crutches!!!...........wow!!!...........I like it........it makes me feel normal kind-of..............
.
I'm sitting down talking to my friends and family........someone's at my back talking to me.......it's my father-in- law..............he's really angry............I don't know what he's saying.............he's drunk.....................he wants to fight me!!!!...........he telling me to get up so we can fight!!!........................I can't fight........I'm on crutches!!!........I'd probably fall down before he hits me.....................just be quiet, don't look at him, maybe he'll go away..........keep your head down..........why can't it stop!!!................I just want it to stop!!!!............................I wish I'd never met these people...............what's wrong with them???..................GET UP!!!!......I hear him yelling at me.....NO, keep your head down, hopefully he'll go away............someone told the bouncer that he's bothering me and he's talking to him......................please make him go away!!!!.......................he's gone back over to his table...good..................
GET UP AND FIGHT!!!!!...............he's here again!!? sob...................the bouncer is talking to him again.................he's been told not to come back...........I wish he hadn't done that.....I can't believe he would do that to me........he's always been so good to me......sob, sob....Now I know where his son gets it from

It's one more week now, I don't need my crutches, I'm back on my feet again........no one will hurt me now!       I've become strong, no, I've been MADE strong!!  There is something bigger than me, I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure I want to call it GOD yet, but I've seen and heard a voice that I know wasn't me. I've depended on it because I had no choice and this BEING made me see it. I'm glad I see it now. I have to learn how to listen and hear the voice. It's something that is inside me somehow. I don't understand it, but I need to figure out what it is.....