Friday,
April 15, 2011
I'm writing this story because I think it
could help other people to be more aware of what someone goes through when they
are hurt badly, I had no one to help me after my accident to guide me through
all the feelings I was experiencing. I wish I would have had someone to tell me
that what I was feeling was normal. That it would get better with time.
Do NOT judge anything I'm saying or anyone I'm
mentioning. This was 20 years ago, and a lot of things can change in 20 years.
I've
written it the best way I can remember it. I may have missed details or got
some stuff in the wrong order.
My car accident has played a great part and
has greatly changed my life and I hope that whoever reads it can be more aware
of what can happen in life. That things or people shouldn't be taken for
granted as you never know what's going to happen, even today. Our plans are not
our own if they were I surely would have changed mine!!!. They are only if's.
There is something greater than ourselves that is in control. Live your life to the best of your ability.
You can only do it once, there's no second chances. That's why we have these lessons to go
through in our lives, it's to teach us, to open our eyes and see, see what's
right there before us. If only we didn't choose to turn a "blind" eye
to it.
this will be edited slightly to fit into my
"book"
Inside
my car accident
I am 24 years old, married with 2 kids and
I'm feeling so strong, I feel stronger than I've ever felt before. I don't know
why, I must have done something right. I feel like super woman, as if I'd be
able to go through anything and survive,
no problem!.....a
really good feeling but I don't know where it's coming from, I can't understand
it, but I think I must have done something to make myself like this but I don't
know what, I must be really strong!
My oldest boy is 8 years old whom I had
before I was married and my daughter is one and a half. I had got married at the age of 22, why
I'm not sure, immature and dumb comes to mind. It wasn't a wise decision but I
thought that's what I wanted at the time. I didn't understand what marriage
was, having grown up without a father I never really got to see what a marriage
was or how to deal or understand men. My father left my mother and us 4 kids
when I was only a baby. Growing up was hard but that's another story.
My mother did all she could to keep us fed
and clothed. She was both mother and father to us. She never remarried but
saved all her time for us and tried to give us the best that she could. We
never lacked of love. We always knew she would do anything for us and that
she'd always be there. She became my best friend through the years as I got
older and especially when I moved out of home. We would do everything together
when I would come home for a visit. We liked all the same TV programs, we would
go for long walks and talk about everything. I would go with her to visit her
friends and she would come with me to visit mine.
When
I was 14
years old and I got pregnant for my son. I had placenta previa which is the
afterbirth that is before the baby and it's very dangerous for the baby and the
mother. The doctors told me that if the baby was born
naturally that it would probably drown in the blood and I could die too. I
was in the hospital, in bed for a month and one week. My mother, who couldn't
afford to have a car to travel, found a way to get there every single day! She
would stay all day long and find a way to get back home at night. I would tell
her she didn't have to come every day but she would
say that she
wouldn't want to be stuck in a hospital bed with no one to talk to, so she kept coming. I so appreciated her being
there. I can remember feeling so thankful that my mom was there. I thought I
had the greatest mom in the world and someday maybe I could repay her for her
kindness and thoughtfulness.
My marriage was not working out, too many
differences, he was Tarzan and he wanted me to be Jane but I didn't want to be
Jane I wanted to be me, so it caused a lot of complications that we didn't know
how to handle.
I was 24 years old when my mother had just had
a serious operation on her bowel where the doctor thought it was cancer but
test results showed that it wasn't. I
was going to see her everyday like she did for me. I finally had my chance to
do something for my mother! I was so glad to do it as I wanted my mother to
have the best of care because she deserved it. I only had a few more days to go
before I could pick her up and bring her home where I would stay with her for a
few weeks until she was all healed and back to work. But that wasn't to be.
I got up that morning after not sleeping
much that night due to a thunderstorm. It had been thundering and raining all
night. I got dressed and got the kids ready to go to the babysitters where they
had been going for the past week or so while I stayed
with mom.
Something kept nagging at me. a gut feeling, a voice? something kept telling me
not to go to the hospital that day, but I would put it off by telling myself,
"you have to go, your mother needs you" but still the voice persisted
"don't go" and I would start talking to myself again " What's
your problem, don't be silly, it's just the storm that's spooked you, you are going, your mother needs you!" So off I went,
into the rain and thunder, to the hospital that was a bit over a half hour away. I made it there no problem at all, saying to myself, "see you had nothing to worry
about"
I spent the day with my mom and she was slowly starting to re-cooperate and I
was starting to feel a lot better about her situation. I could finally see she
was starting to heal. I was so scared for a while;
she looked like she was going to die. Just a few more days and everything would start
getting back to normal. I could take her home
and look after her there for a few more weeks and have my kids with me too and
we could start living life as normal again.
I started feeling guilty that I had been
leaving my daughter with a babysitter every day. It was messing up her schedule a lot and I
wanted to spend more time with her. I told mom I was going to leave an hour
earlier so I could spend more time with her to settle her down before she went
to bed. So around 3:45 or so, I started for home. I was so tired after the long
week or so of traveling to the hospital and worrying about mom, I just wanted
to get home and have my kids home and relax. I remember driving on the highway
and my eyes getting glazed over and shaking my head to clear my eyes. Ok,
focus! I started looking at the scenery to try to get myself more alert. I passed by this blue house that I
always liked. It had tall trees that bordered the front yard. It was a strange
place for a house to be, as it was one of a few house built on the highway.
Then came the sharp curve and then the highway got straight again....almost to
the kayak brook.... Still thinking about going home and getting my kids and my
plans for the future. I saw a car at a distance that came on my side of the
road as if they were going to pass a car but there was no car ahead of them. I
wondered if they were
hydro
planning but there were no ruts of water where we were although the pave was
wet. I didn't really think too much
about it. I figured someone was not paying attention to what they were doing
and came on my side of the road and would pull back over to their side as soon
as they discovered their error. The car kept coming straight at me and then as
if in slow motion everything got crystal clear. I knew this car was going to
hit me even before it did. My life flashed before my eyes in seconds. I never
knew so many things could go through your mind in such a short time.. Why
wasn't the car going back to their side? Why was it still coming towards me?
What's wrong? Why? Why? What should I do? a car accident! a head on
collision!!! don't people usually die from this?? I don't want to die! sob, I
need to look after my mother!, sob ....Should I go on the other side of the
road? I can't see what's coming!!! I don't want to hit in another car behind
them!! I don't want to die! sob, My children!! What will happen to my children
they need me!! They can't grow up without a mother, no one loves them like I
do!! Maybe if I go in the ditch I can miss it! Turn the wheel!! Turn it!! It's
ok!! My mother will be so upset if I die. She won't want me to die!! I have to
live so she won't be upset!! Oh God I'm so scared!!! sob. I'm going for the
ditch, my chances might be better!!! I'm so angry!! If anyone's going to die it
better be you!!! you son of a "gun"!!!...WHO are you???.....let me
get a look at you, I want to see your face!!! ....... I'll put both feet on the
brake and brace myself for the impact..............BANG there we go, we hit,
driver to driver.... What's happening??.... it feels so unreal.....I'm
flying.....am I still alive???.....I feel like a rag doll....I have no
control....I thought I'd have more control..........I can't stop my face from
hitting the steering wheel.....I cut myself....I cut my face....I can feel
it....It's ok it's just my face...it's just a cut....I'm still alive
....everything is moving, I'm spinning around................it feels like
forever..................I'm still alive…I
think I’m still alive…I’m not sure though..............everything has
stopped.... it's quiet...the car isn't moving anymore....Oh God I'm still
alive!!!.............I wonder if anyone seen me, if there's any cars
around?.........Did they see the accident...............will they help
me?...........I can feel my teeth.....why can I feel my teeth?......I think I
can feel skin hanging on the inside of my mouth...............Oh God.....they
feel like they're not in the right place......not one of them.....eeeeeewww...I can feel them with my tongue.........they feel
like they're floating around in my mouth.........they don't go together......It
feels weird to put my teeth together.....I think they're a mess........... I
have to spit little pieces out........................it feels too
weird.............Ohhhhhh I don't feel very good............I'm
bleeding......Ok...I'm bleeding......it's dripping in my eyes.....I can't wipe
it off.....it just keeps dripping.....I
think I put my hand in that cut…I’d better not do that…..it's
dripping on my brand new blue and white striped pants...........I just bough
them........I can't see in my right eye...........the blood just keeps dripping
in my eye.....I can't wipe it off.....I'm bleeding.....it's dripping from my
chin to my lap........on my jacket.........NO!!! I have my mother's jacket on!!!.....I'm ruining my mother's
peach jacket!!!!...sob...I feel so bad.....I don't
want to ruin her jacket!!!....I've ruined her jacket....I hope she won't be mad
because I ruined her jacket......I can't be here!!....This can't be
happening.......I didn't plan this!!!!........This isn't the way it's supposed
to be......why can't I wipe up the blood...It just keeps coming from
everywhere!!......I can't feel dry skin on my face and now my hands are full of
blood too..........Is the car still on? I'm so scared!! Is it on fire???.....I have to shut off the
car.......shut off the car, turn off the ignition switch,....I can't do
it.......it's not working......it doesn't move.....Why isn't it
moving.....maybe I don't have the strength.......I feel so weak........turn it
off...... it's all twisted..... turn it off!!...it's not safe if the car is
on!! keep trying......ok it should be
off.... it's all twisted, the metal is all twisted, I can barely even see the
ignition switch....it's almost buried in the steering wheel..... it should be
off...I can't hear the engine....I can't hear if the car is on or not.....Why
can't I hear?? ...... It should be off , don't worry about it..... Where is
everybody? Why isn't there anyone here?....Stay calm......Ooooooh I don't feel
good.....I feel like I'm going to pass out.......shake your head it will
pass....I have to get out......the door won't open.......I can't get the door
open!!!! Oh God!! is the car on fire!???!!!.......It's ok the ambulance guys
will be here soon..... they can put out a fire if there's one..... please
hurry, I'm so scared.....I've got to get out of here!!!!.....I can't
move......I'm stuck....Oh God I'm stuck......Why am I stuck?......I can't see
my feet.......I can't see my feet.....Oh God I'm pinned in the car!!!!!!!.....the
metal is all around my legs....my legs are pinned in the metal of the car..noooooo..I have to get out!!!.....I wonder if I can pull
them out....YES pull hard!!!! PULL!!! PULL!! Try the other one!!!.......click
click click....OH NO!!......what happened there??....I felt
something.....something didn't feel right.....I'd better not pull anymore....something
happened...It felt like my bones separating............. I wonder
why?....It's not good.....not good
at all..stay
calm.....Please someone help me!!!..... I cut my face..... I need to see.....
I'll look in my rear view mirror...... focus..... try again, it's there, the
mirror is there.....focus.....try again that's where the mirror is, I can see
it, it's there........ I can see my hand reaching for the mirror, I know it's there
but it's going through it...... my hand is going through the mirror....try
again......nope, no contact how can that
be? but I see it, it's there....try again.....my hand can't go through a
mirror!!..... the mirror isn't there..... it's not there.....I can't believe
the mirror is not there........... I wonder where it went? backseat
maybe?........am I crazy?....Did I
lose my mind?......it's
because of the blow to my head..........no I don't see it...... don't know
where it is..... oh well..........probably it's better that way........I don't
think I'm supposed to see............Where are my glasses??.... they must have
flown off....probably in the backseat with the mirror.......it's 4:00pm, it's
4:00pm!!.....So weird that I can notice what time it is, at a time like this!! The
clock must have stopped there when the cars hit together..........Someone help
me!!!!......I see a man......I see a man in the window!!!.......Thank God
someone's here..........Help me!!!........why is his face so white?......please
don't leave me!!! Please, I'm so scared!!.......ok, yes he has
to go look for the other person in the other car too. I hope she's not dead!!
please let her be alive, I forgive her for hitting into me!!! please let her live!!..I
really don’t want her to be dead........ oooooh I feel sick............my ears are ringing
so loudly........that's why I couldn't hear if the car was on or
not.........shake your head again, stay awake....you need to stay awake...don’t let yourself pass out...someone else at the
window........a man......why is he so white?......why is he backing away????
NOOOOOO!!! I'm scared, please!!! please!!! don't leave me!!!!.........I can see
them.....all around the car.......they're all white.....they look so
scared.......I wonder why?......Is it because of me???.......It's ok, they
don't need to be afraid of me!!........I'm ok!.....I'm alive.......I can do
this........please someone stay with me, I'm so scared.............I just need
someone with me....I can do this.....I'm ok, it's not as bad as it
looks!!...........it's just me!!!.......
Another face at the window.....how long will this one
stay...........how am I doing? How do
you think I'm doing??? Hello!!??!! I'm
not even going to answer that!!! ...silent!.......silent!........another man in
the window.......this one is different......he's not as white.......he's holding
my hand!!! he's not afraid of me!!! Please stay with me!!Oh thank God, thank
God, I'm not alone!!! who are
you?....I'm not alone.....can I lay my head down on the window?......I can't
hold my head up anymore...........the window pane isn't there........it must
have been smashed out of my door.....I hope there isn't any broken glass where
I lay my head.....I can see him....the nice man who is holding my hand......I'm
not alone......his face is very close to mine....it comforts me......I'm
ok.......I'll just look at him.........he has light brown almost reddish, blondish,
curly, kind of bushy hair....light completion,
maybe
a few freckles,a straight pointy
nose...strong thin face...he looks sure of himself, like nothing would bother him, he
looks to be around his 30's . He has thin rimmed glasses.....like John Denver
glasses....slightly tinted dark.......maybe
some gold in them.....he looks familiar...he looks French.....he looks like he
should be from my hometown.....but I don't know him......he has a small
reassuring smile on his face....I'm so glad he's here!!... Please hurry ambulance and fire truck!! I
don't want the car to catch on fire.....
The
car is shaking, why is the car shaking???......I see them,....some guys on both
side of the car, they're shaking the car...rocking it back and forth.....those
guys are trying to open my doors....I don't think they should do that.....what
if it causes a spark???........the fire trucks aren't here.....uhhhhmmmm I'm so
scared!!!....Why are they taking so long???.....Rocking...rocking......please...God......
stop!!.....I don't want to catch on fire!!! please!!!................ Finally!! they stopped....they can't open the
doors.........they look really worried..............what is that I
hear?........sirens?.......yes sirens!!!! Thank God they're here!!!.....finally!!......now
if the car is on fire or if it catches on fire they have the equipment to shut
if off!!!
I can
see them......those firemen.......they're checking out the
situation.............an ambulance attendant at my window........he says his
name is Ray......I'm scared Ray....I'm so scared......he understands....you're
doing really well he says....he's going to come in the car with me????....is he
crazy????......I can't believe he's getting in the car with me!!!......through
the passenger door window..........he is
putting his
arms around me......I'm full of blood!!!.....Do you mind Ray that I'm full of
blood?........You don't?......I can't believe he doesn't mind, he's going to
ruin all his clothes........Thank God he's here!!!...I’m so thankful...I'm going to be safe
now....I'm not alone......I'm still scared though.......Is it alright if I put
my head on your shoulder?.....I can't keep my head up.......I hurt........my
knees really hurt......the steering wheel is on my lap and my right leg is
somewhere around where the brake should be and my other leg is in the driver's
door. I wonder if my knees are broken?...if they're not, they are sure close to
the breaking point.....I'm so tired.........I feel better with this strange
man's arms around me.....it's almost like we could be on a date!......it feels
so strange.......I'll just pretend I'm out on a date for a while so I don't
have to be here............ thank God he's here!!!....What? they're going to
put a tarp over us??......that sounds scary.......will I feel claustrophobic?........Ray
says we need to do that, it will be safer.....so the glass won't fall on
us.....ok Ray....whatever you say.....I'll trust you....I have to trust you...I
have no choice.........this man is wonderful.........he's risking his life for
me.......I'm so grateful.......wow.....how many people do I know that would do
this.........this is so precious......he's not only saving my life but my
sanity....He's helping me to not go crazy and loose it!
I hurt so bad!!! My knees and my feet are
hurting so bad........try not to complain too much you are
going to annoy him!!.......but they hurt so bad!!!!.......I can't stop saying
it!........they hurt!!!..........You're doing really good, I'm so amazed at how
well your doing, most people would be panicking and screaming, I would be for
sure he said..........Really??? He probably sees a lot of accidents.....I
thought I was doing horrible.....whining and complaining...................
Ok I can hear the crunch of metal.....I can feel a
rush of air as they take the doors off. First one then the other......Ohhhh my
knees hurt so bad!!!........I can start to feel my feet more and more now, I
couldn't feel them at first............They are cutting away the windshield
too......someone explains that they're going to cut my seat.....I can hear them
rummaging around under my seat from the backseat.....then finally!!!....relief
from the stress of having my knees at almost
the
breaking point as they back my seat up into the back
seat!!!......Wow!!!.....it's finally starting to look like I'm getting out
soon........it's been almost an
hour.............now they cut the roof off and the windshield.........ok
now they are warning me that they are going to stretch out the front of the car
where it has been squashed in......I wonder why they are warning
me?.............Ohhhhhh.....it's loosening the metal around my legs.......I
hurt......I hurt so bad........but it's going to be over soon.....they are
making progress......it's not enough........a bit more...........someone's at
my feet ....some man is laying down from the passenger’s side on the floor and
he's got his hands on my legs......he's tugging at them trying to get my feet
from the metal..........I can hear myself screaming in pain........and I'm
getting really angry.......are you stupid or what???? don't you know my feet
hurt???!!!.....What is wrong with this man!!!!.......pulling on my feet that
are pinned in this metal!!!......he should know that my feet are
hurting!!!........ok....they are going to try to straighten the metal a bit
more........ok I don't care now..........I won't say a word.......I'm
finished!!!!.......I'll hold my breath......I won't scream!!......I won't!!!
.... I want out!!!.....this is enough!!!....doesn't matter what I feel, I won't
say anything!!!....they have to get my feet out of this car........I'm not
going to be pinned in here anymore!!!......I'll be free.......take a deep
breath in........PULL!!! they came right
out!!! I'm out!!!! I'm out!!! I'm out!!!!.....I have such an overwhelming feeling!!!!!..........Thank
God!! Thank God!!!.....I made it, it's over!!!
They took the tarp out, I'm looking around
the car and everywhere I look I see people through my blurred vision watching
the firemen working.......They are telling me they have to put something around
my neck......I don't want something around my neck!......you shouldn't move
your neck so we need to put something around it to keep it from moving.....but
there's nothing wrong with my neck, I've been looking around in the backseat
and everywhere.............I guess if you have to!!.....grrrr.....ok we're going to put you on a back board....and
strap you in so we can get you out of the car........Ok just get me out....get
me out.....I’m finished with this…I want
out!......I'm
being moved.....I'm in a laying down position now.....I can feel rain on my
face....it's going in my eyes......maybe if I cover my face with the
blanket?.......No I can't do that, the people watching will think I'm
dead!!.....I'll hold it up high so that it will stop the rain from raining on
me and they'll be able to see that I'm not dead............I've never been in
an ambulance before.....it's a strange feeling.........I'm so tired.......I
hurt.........why is there so much noise!!.......can't you turn off the
siren??!!.....It's too loud!! it's hurting my ears......no, you have to leave
it on?.... sigh........we'll be to the hospital in a few minutes...........
So
many questions?........I can barely talk.........my lips won't do what I want
them too........they are not forming the words and I have about no energy
left.......I'm trying to give them my phone number but it's hard to form the
words to tell them..........go.... tell..... my
mother!!!..........screeeeaaaaaammmmm!!!!.....sob sob......I can't get the
words out...I can barely breathe through the pain..........take ....the
blanket........ off ......my feet!!! ....Oh God it hurts!!!!....no I'm not
going to even think of why the blanket on my feet hurts so bad..............
There's
my doctor!!!!......I'm so happy to see her!!! she came!!!............Why are
you so white?, she's shaking her head........but she's a doctor!!!........Why
is she all white???................Noooo!!! She has to go...........please
don't leave me!!....She can't look....I
must look really bad..
Nurses,
doctors everywhere!! How many of them
are there??..........I've never seen so many at one time.....they must be all
here...........they are cutting off my clothes.......my bran new pants!.....do
you really have too?.....no not my mother's jacket!!......sigh.......do you
really have to cut of my bra and panties in front of everybody!!!...........so
much for being shy.........it's my monthly time...........how embarrassing........I
can't even look.......She said it's ok they see this all the time, that makes
me feel a bit better.........I'm still strapped to this board!!....my head is
hurting where it's touching the board..........I can't move they said.........but
I'm lying on glass!........I have to lay here on glass?.............I guess
so.......sigh................here comes another doctor.......straight to my
feet......screeeeeeeeaaaammm!!!!! sob sob........don't touch my feet!!!! it
hurts!!!
another
doctor coming and wiggles my toes.......screeeeeeeaaaammm!!! sob
sob.......What's wrong with them??? Why do you need to wiggle my toes, can't
you see I'm in a lot of pain!!!!???? hello!!!!...........here comes another
doctor........STOP!!!.....don't you dare touch my feet!!!.......ok, ok I won't
he says!!.......finally!......phew......
I
know that doctor.........he's my mother's doctor.......yell to him as loud as
you can......Dr.! Dr!.....go tell my
mother!!! what? Go...Tell.... My.... Mother!.......I sound
so jerky and strange......the words are coming out so slurred and I am trying as hard as I can to say them properly
so he can understand...............who's my mother he's
asking?........Cecile, Cecile's my mother......why is he shaking his head no??
....It's not a good idea?? but I want to
see my mother...sob.....I need to tell her...sob
sob...she
won't like it if no one tells her........She'll be sooooo mad........My mother knows things about her
kids.......she senses.............She not well enough to upset her this late at
night, I suppose he's right…....I will tell her in the morning he said.....I
suppose it would be better that way she can get her rest tonight........I hope
that's ok.....but I don’t like it, something
tells me she needs to know but I can’t go against the doctor.
Breathe!!!.......Breathe!!!......What's
going on?......breathe Lola, breathe!!!........Why are the nurses saying
that?.........Oh God, they're trying to revive her, she dying!!!....... Yes !!
Please breathe Lola, I don't want you to die right next to me!!!......I
can hear them talking to her right next door to me but I can't see them because
I'm pinned to this stupid board!!.....I have to be patient.....she needs all
their attention.........just lay here quietly ‘til
they have time to look at me........
My husband’s
here???....sob.....sob.......finally he's here, I'm so glad he made it here!!!
sob sob...........I forgive him for being mean to me before sob we can make it
better now!!......sob..........what is he saying?.....why is he telling me not
to cry....doesn't he know it's because I'm so happy he's here..I finally have
someone I know here with me........he's yelling at me louder and louder.....STOP
CRYING!!!.Stop crying!!.......Ok
I'll stop crying, I'll stop crying!.....why?....why doesn't he want me to
cry??........No!! why are you taking off the bandage on my face doctor!!....he
can't deal with this!! he just got here.......Yup there he goes...he's turning
white, he's going to pass out now.......yes make him sit down nurse, get him a
cold face cloth to put on his face .........sigh.......great!!! ..the one
person I thought maybe could be here for me and I’m going to have to look after
him…...
need stitches......the doctor is going to
stitch me up now......yak! he's putting a needle in my mouth and it's running
down my throat and it's freezing my throat.......It taste awful......I can't
feel the needle much…..everything is numb
already.....it's taking so long....,,,..it's so gross!.....I want to spit this
stuff out of my mouth............40 stitches....wow....how can he fit that many
stitches in my mouth and chin?
You
went where?........you went to see the car before coming here??...Did he just
say he went to see the car before coming to the hospital??....The hospital
called you to tell you I'd been in a car accident and told you to come right
away?.........The car is totalled........a write off........he went to see the
car before coming to see me...............why would he do that?.......I don't
understand........
My
brother is here!!! Kirk!!! I'm so glad you're
here.........Dwayne is with him.......I wonder why Dwayne is with
him...........Kirk! Go.... tell..... mom!!.....she knows???.......You went up to her room to ask her how I
was???..........Uh oh.............She heard that there had been an accident and
she had a funny feeling about it....she can't come see me.........they won't
let her............I just want to give her a hug and tell her I'm alright and
I'm sorry I got in an accident…sob sob
I've
been laying on this board long enough now, I've been here for at least 3
hours!!...I'm sure with all these doctors that's been in here at least one of
them could be looking after me!!!. That's enough!!! I'm in pain!!! I can feel
the glass on the back of my head with my hand!!! I can't lay still any
longer!!! I'm telling them if they don't do something soon, I'm going to
move!!!......soon they say, soon......Soon isn't soon enough!! I can't help it
anymore... it's unbearable......someone is bringing an ex-ray machine to
me?........how do they do that I wonder.....I've never heard of
that..........they're doing something with a machine, taking ex-rays I
guess........I look like Fred Flinstone when he stubs his toe.......my right
foot is swollen so badly.....it looks really strange......I hope it's not broken.......the
other one looks alright.....I'm sure it's fine.....If my right foot is broken I
hope they can put me on the same floor as my mother so we can be together. That
would be cool. We'd be in the hospital at the same time. Maybe they'd even put us
in the same room!! We could take care of each other!!!
What
are you saying?????? Both feet shattered.........What does that mean?
Shattered?................ WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!! SOB SOB SOB!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!
I DON"T WANT TO GO TO HALIFAX!!!! THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY!!!! SOB SOB SOB
......Why do I sound so strange......I feel like it's really hard to
cry........ Why can't I stay here with mom???.......nothing they can do for me
here........ SOB SOB.....STOP CRYING!!! Why does he keep telling me not to
cry!!??......I DON"T WANT TO GO!!! SOB SOB SOB.......I WANT TO STAY
HERE!!!.......STOP CRYING!!!.....NO I DON'T WANT TO STOP CRYING!!!..... SHUT
UP!! SHUT UP!!! I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO!!!!....SOB SOB SOB...............
but I
don't want to go to Halifax..........Why am I crying and no tears are coming
out........I'm making such weird crying sounds........it's not coming out
properly..........I sound like an animal............I'm so tired.............
I
need to go because my feet are too bad to fix here?......sob.....I guess if
I have to go.....sob..........but my
mother.....I don't want to leave her....I wanted to take care of
her.....sob..............they're getting me ready to go in the ambulance
now.....I can see that they're running around trying to get me ready...................Kirk,
my brother will stay with mom...................someone else will look after
her................I don't want to go to Halifax..........How did this
happen?.........I can't believe this happened!..........It's not the way it's
supposed to be...........I have to look after my mother........Who's going to
look after my kids???.............My brother and his wife will look after the
kids tonight.......I don't want to do this!...........I want to go
hooooooome!!!
They've
got the siren on again......it's too loud........you have to shut it
off!!.......good they will when they get on the highway.......I'm scared
again........I'm so scared......where's my husband?......why doesn't he hold my
hand??.......doesn't he know how scared I am?........finally the ambulance guy
is holding my hand......I'm so glad he's there.......I'm so scared
I'm
on the road.......it's raining so hard........What if we have another
accident......can it be I could have another accident?.......no it can't happen
can it?........Who is driving???...........he's driving so weird and
jerky......It feels like he's going all
over the road....can't someone else drive??..........Do they actually let
anyone drive these ambulances??...........I don't like it, I don't like his driving
at all..........Ok they will switch drivers when they stop for a
rest........they actually stop for a rest?..........Oh I guess they may need to
use the washroom or something......I wish they could keep going..........I
don't want to be in here anymore..............I wish it was
over..............I'm so tired.
We
made it to Halifax!......Thank God!.............there goes the siren
again................just for a short time..........
So
much stopping and turning..........please hurry...........so much rain...........finally
we're there
I can
see a doctor........he says he's going to put
casts on my feet.........no doctor I can't hold my legs up....I just
don't have the strength....I'm sorry......I can't hold them up......I can
barely even hold my eyes open.....I'm too tired........I've never been this
exhausted in my life...........someone is holding up my legs as the doctor
wraps and wraps and wraps......they seem annoyed because I can't hold my feet
up........I don't care...........round and round my legs, right to my
knees.......I can still see my toes..............
screaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!.....ugh
they did it again!!! Why do they keep touching my toes!!!!! are they stupid? They tell me my feet are
shattered and they keep wiggling them!!!..I have to tell them.. DON'T TOUCH MY
FEET!!!
They've
put me in a room now......I barely know what's going on..........I'm so not
myself.........I feel strange................every time I doze off I have flash
backs of the accident and I jamb on my brakes and I push against my cast and
wake up screaming.........it's so hot.............it's very hot in
here.........why do they have this room so hot?
My
sister and my two cousins are here!!!.......thank God!!!........nurse says I
can't see them? Why????..........not visiting hours........I DON"T CARE IF
IT"S VISITING HOURS!!!! THEY DROVE 3 HOURS TO SEE ME!!!!
HELLO!!!!!..........I know I'm not being nice, but I just can't help myself,
I'm so mad!!!!!!........I demand for you to let them in!!! I need them!!!......sob..........I
need them to look after me.....I need them to comfort me.......I need their
help!!!!.....Ok they can come in now.........I don't like these nurses, they're
mean!!!.................I want to go home...............my body is
jerking............the pain is so bad.........I've never had this much pain
before......even with kidney stones..........I can make my body stop
jerking..............my sister is here.....she's trying so hard to help
me.............I need a pillow......I need a pillow under my feet!!!!!.............I
have to lift my legs and hold it up for her to put the pillow under it. My
family is so supportive....I'm so glad they
came.........................hurry........hurry..........HURRY!!!!!!!!
............I'm yelling.....it upsets her......I can't help it.......the pain
is so bad...........
My
sister and cousins stayed for 3 days and looked after me so well.........I'm so
thankful for them.........people coming in and out............I can't remember
them..............so hot...........nurses are rubbing me down with
alcohol...........why are you rubbing me with
alcohol?.............fever.........I have a fever..........it's better for a while, more comfortable.................so
hot...........I've never felt this hot before.............they're bringing me a
fan?.......they're taking it from someone else's room?! ......I feel bad, I
don't want to take it from someone else........they don't need it?.....are you
sure?..........I need it because I have a high fever?......ok.........it feels
a lot better............I'm getting medication...............it'll be fine
My
husband's family is here........they pass by my room..........I can see
them..........they don't know me.............they don't recognize
me..................they see their son in the room and turn around and they
look at me.........they're crying...........my father in law can't come in the
room..............he doesn't want to..........it's too much for him to
see...............I look awful...........my face is so swollen................I
don't look like myself
My father is here......Do I see my father
here??!!.......he wants to kiss me on the cheek but there's not many places to
kiss that isn't cut.......that's so strange that he's here.........This must be
really serious to make my father come to see me.......I'm glad he's
here........it's comforting somehow...........I can't say too much to
him.......It feels awkward....I'm trying to find something to say but I'm in
too much pain to think.........He's watching me jerking around.....I'm trying
so hard to not do that, so he won't feel bad......I tell him I'm sorry about
the jerking around but it's because of the pain......Grammie told him I was
here and that he'd better come see me.........hmmmmm........I'm still glad he
came.....he could have chosen not to come.....maybe he cares a bit about me.........He's
going........he'll be back another day..........He said he'd come back.....
My
husband is saying that now that I'm in here, he's going to be putting his foot
down and doing what he wants with the kids and he's going to decide who's going
to be looking after them......I don't know what he means..........what is he
going to be doing?..........it doesn't sound right............he wants his
mother to look after them.......she's never looked after them before......she
doesn't know them........they'll be so upset..........especially my baby
girl.............she's never fed her........or put her to bed.........she's
always said she couldn't look after kids..........her own mother always looked
after her own kids when they were little.............I don't want them to go
there..........I want them to stay with Kirk and Wendy or my
sister.............I know they're safe and comforted.........I just want to go
home..........my girl has never stayed overnight with anyone except
me..........She won't sleep somewhere else...........who'll put her to
bed?............she likes to cuddle first and fall asleep..........they won't
know to do that............only my mother, Kirk and Wendy and my sister know
how to do that.......I've got to get home....please God!.....I have to get
home.........Soon......I will!!! I will get home and look after my kids!!!
There's a boy laying down in a fetal position
at the foot of my bed. He's sleeping......He's gone.....no there he is!......I
wonder how he fits there with me in these big casts.....I can't see how he
found the room at the foot of the bed..........He seems to be sleeping so
peacefully.....he only looks to be around six years old. He's dressed in blue
pj's........He's gone again.....
I can
see this man, he's in a cloud..........I can only see his face and his neck and
a bit of his chest..........He's speaking French to me!!........that's so
strange........He's speaking French!!!.........Poof...he's
gone......poof.....he's back.........I don't know what he's saying but I know
he's speaking French to me.........He has a pointy nose and thin features........straight
light brown hair combed slightly to the left side......but he keeps
disappearing..........I wonder why?.......... maybe I'm hallucinating.........maybe I should talk to
a nurse about it.............There she is.........you think I'm
hallucinating?............she's going to talk to the doctor about changing my
pain medication.............There's the boy again!......curled up right at the
foot of my bed!
I
need to have an operation this morning.......it's been three days since my accident.....some
of the swelling has gone down enough so now they can operate.........ex-rays
again......I don't like going for the ex-rays, it's so hard to get my feet in
the positions they want........I'm pretty scared..........I don't want to have
an operation...............but I know it has to be done.........they are taking
me on a stretcher......there's barely enough room in the elevator's for
everyone.......the stretcher takes a lot of room!!!.........I'm afraid someone
will hit my toes...........why didn't they just cover up my toes
too!!!........................there's a young guy.............he's a porter or
something........I think he's like an errand boy..........He looks really
nervous and shy...................SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!!!! sob, sob............yup,
I knew it........he hit my toes!!!..............he looks like he's going to
cry..........he feels soooooo bad...........it's ok!!! I'm ok.......I try to
smile, through my pain..........I know he didn't do it on
purpose...........don't worry............
There's big lights in my eyes...... they have
to move me over to another table...........it's so cold looking in
here.......metallic......cold..........sigh.........I don't feel like doing
this!.................I don't like being put to sleep...........wow!!! The
doctors are so handsome!!.............There are 3 of them and they're all
handsome.............I didn't know doctors could be so good
looking..........those eyes are dreamy.........I'll just concentrate on those
eyes so I don't have to think about being put to sleep...
I'm
awake again.........I feel like I'm dying..............I feel so
bad................a shot of morphine?..............Isn't that something they
give when you are dying.....................yes I need something................it's
just a small dose...............Ohhhhhh that feels good..............I feel
alive again....................ugh...I need more of that
morphine................this is good stuff.............amazing how it takes
your pain away.
Now I
need to heal, I need to get out of this hospital soon!! I'm so glad I have my
family here but they have to go back home now to their lives. I'm going to be
alone again. Even my husband has to go home. I'm so sad....I don't like being
alone here........I don't know anyone and the nurses are not
friendly.........I'm sorry I haven't been nice....I've been so
angry........It's normal?........the nurse said she would be worried if I
wasn't angry..............The new cast they put......it's too tight.......I
can't sleep and it's the middle of the night.........it's hurting
badly.............it's way too tight.......such pressure, I can't stand
it.........my feet are swelling...........nurse help me!.........good she's
going to call the doctor.........yes here they are at the door, three
doctor,.... it's too tight..........do you have to put that big light on and
half blind me?...........good thing you look good doctors or I'd be really
mad..............I hate it when they cut off my cast, it's so uncomfortable and
painful............put my feet up high for a while?........get the swelling
down...........check on me later?......oh ok................hmmmmm they seem to
be looking at me too much and enjoying themselves.......I'm only in my night
gown....I think I'll pull up my blanket over my chest..................it's
feeling better, the swelling must have gone down..........good I won't have to
change my cast again!!............I hate having to change my cast, every day it
seems!!
So
now for the big conversation with my doctor, now that I'm feeling a bit better.
I don't really care what he's going to say, I will walk, not only will I walk
I'll be dancing again!!! It doesn't matter that your telling me I'll never run
again....I don't care.....but I will walk.....I won't stay in the hospital for
months and months!!! It'll take months
and months to learn to walk again?...... NO you just watch me!!! You'll see, I
WILL walk!!! I WILL!!! You can't stop me, I'll do it.....I won't even let
myself think of anything else.................Nope I won't.......I won't think
of it...............I won't let myself think of anything but
walking!!!!.......There's no such thing as I CAN"T....I WILL......You
can't stop me...It doesn't matter what you
say......quiet.......quiet....quiet.........
Nurse....NURSE.....NURSE!!!!.....I
need to pee!!.....nurse.........where are they??? I could be dying here and
they wouldn't know..........I really need to pee bad.......NURSE!!!........I'm
sure they can see that I've buzzed them....unless they're not around........Why
do I have to wait so long at night when I ring for them............It's taking
them about 3 hours or so before they come to give me a bed pan...........What's
up with that???............You wait til I can get up, I'll find out where you
are?!!.........ugh................Oh finally here comes a nurse........leave
the bedpan in my room, you guys take too long to come, I can do it!!! Leave
it!!!!..............You don't want to look after me, That's fine!! I'll look
after myself.....I'm just stubborn enough to do it!!.....I don't need
you......I'll look after myself.......I need to go home......sob............get
me a wheel chair............Months and months I won't stay here!!!.......I'm
going home soon...........I can do it......I can get in that wheel chair by
myself!!!! All I have to do is lift
myself with my arms and slide my butt over to the wheel chair besides the bed
and then lift my legs and place them on the pillows they put on the legs of the
wheel chair. I can't put my feet down the doctor says because I can't have too
much blood flowing in them, they'll swell. I can't put more than 10% of my body
weight on my heels....That's not very much weight, only enough to lay my legs
down on my heels..........
Well
I may as well go for a spin down the hall...........So this is what this floor
looks like........there's the nurses station....Ha! I'll be checking on them
tonight to see where the heck they are!................there's the
lounge..............here is a long dark empty hallway....it makes me feel
lonely.......I'll turn around....
Hi
mom!! I'm so glad you called.....sob....... be strong.......whimper.......don't
cry, you'll make your mother feel bad........I'm so lonely mom.......I just
want to come home.......try not to let your voice tremble!.........I won't
cry............who's looking after my kids?.......Good my brother and his
girlfriend are looking after the kids......
They
love being there with Wendy, she's so good with them.......I know they'll take
good care of them.....
Your
friends are looking after you?.....I'm so glad..........I wanted to look after
you mom.....don't cry!.....Maybe I can come home soon then everything will be
fine........I want to go to your house.........I don't want to go
home......I'll die there.......I won't make it......I can't........I'd be too
depressed........It's not good there.......I have no support..........they
won't look after me there......I can't do it there.....but I can do it at home
where I'm loved.......I can do it..........I will!!! You'll see....whimper.....I
miss you mom..........I need someone to write me letters, then I'll feel more
like I have a part of home with me......write letters ......tell everyone to
write letters........I love reading them......
It's
been almost two weeks, now I know where those nurses are.....They're in the
smoking room all night!!!!......The buzzer lights are on in the rooms and no
one goes to help these people, they don't even pay attention..... they can't
even get of bed......some people have no legs at all.......they can't get out
of bed..........These nurses should be reported!!!.........What if someone was
dying......they wouldn't even know.....it's a shame........Once I'm out of here
I have to tell somebody about this.......I'm certainly not staying here!!! .......Why
did this happen to me?......I can't believe it........How? Why?...This isn't in
my plans.....
About
every hour I'm getting in my wheel chair and going down the hall, that's all I
have to do here. I'm alone so I might as well get some exercise...up and down
the halls......in the lounge.......to the nurses station......hahaha, the
nurses think I'm a body builder, so funny.......I'm building muscles from
riding in this wheel chair and popping wheelie's....I've never been a body
builder......although I seem to build muscle easily for some reason........back
to my room............the door is closed........I have to go in backwards
because my feet are sticking out straight....I can't open the door with my
feet........push the door with your back......slowly....push.......almost
in.............NOOOO!!!!.......screeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaam!!! sob sob..........the door
closed on my feet!!! sob sob........I hate it here!!!........I HATE IT!!!!
......sob......I want to go home!!!!.........I'm so mad.........I want to tear
everything apart..............but the best I can do is just throw my pillow
around, I can't even get up to do anything else....It's a good
thing!!!....There would be nothing left around here......I'd probably throw it
out the window.......I'm so mad at life.......sob, sob, sob............I don't
care anymore, I'm going to cry all I want!!!.......I'm mad.......I've been
crying everyday anyhow....I may as well do a good job of it this
time.........Are you ok?.........no lady I'm not ok........I want to go
home......She heard me from the room of the girl she was visiting with across
the hall..........I wasn't trying to be quiet.....I don't even care......I just
want to go home......I'm so homesick........I miss my kids and I miss my
mother.........She understands......she's saying soothing words but I don't
know what they are..........it comforts me..........she seems very
nice...........I'm alright..............I'm just lonely
My
doctor is checking up on me again.............he says that the nurses say I'm
doing incredibly well...AND.......if I can get my house ready for a wheelchair,
I can go home on the weekend!!!!!!!.....Did he really say I can go
home???.....I can't believe it!!!!!...........It's only been 2
weeks!!!!.........I've only been here for 2 weeks!!!.........I'm doing really
well?...............your not joking right??????.........I'm so excited!!!!!!.......I'm
going home!!!!!...........thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!......I have to
call my mother..............Mom, I can come home this weekend!!!! Yes, yes, the
doctor said I could if Kirk can make me a wheelchair ramp so I can get in the house!!!.......Oh
God I can't wait!!!!.........I'm so excited...........I know he only has two
days to do it, but I know he can!!! Please?, Please!!! just do it!!!! Ok see
you on the weekend!!!!! I'm so happy, so
very happy!!! ......sigh.........I'm going to have a permanent smile on now til
I get home!!!..........
The
day is finally here..........the ambulance guys are here to pick me up, I'm
going to see my kids and my mother at last.......................I can see the
sign of my hometown..........it feels so strange to be going home in an
ambulance........so strange...........there's my house........I'm
home!.......I'm home...........I can barely breathe.......my chest is so tight
with excitement.......how will they react to me?? Will they be happy to see me?.........How
will they look at me?.......I wonder if they'll be happy to see me or will they
be upset?
There's
the ramp my brother built.....I'm soooo proud of him..............it's a little
steep............the lady and the man in the ambulance are having a hard time
bringing me up the ramp.......I'm afraid........it feels like they are going to
let me fall. I don't think the lady is strong enough to handle the stretcher. I
can feel the lack of support on that end......Oh God don't let me fall!!!......I
really can't handle that right now..............
Hi
mom...........my mom.........she's crying and hugging me.........don't cry mom,
I'm fine now, I'm home..really!....I'm fine!!.........It's ok.......I made
it..........Where's my kids?............my baby?......There they
are!!!!............What's wrong???........she doesn't want me........she won't
let me hold her...........she's scared of me...........she doesn't want me near
her...........I feel so bad............she doesn't want me to hold her.........I
can't even hug her............It's ok..........she'll get used to me
again.........I just have to wait.......
Wow!,
I'm home!.........I've only been away 2 weeks but it feels like a
lifetime................my wheelchair fits in here.......I can get around
fairly well............I get to sit in a comfortable chair.........the lazy boy
chair!..........it feels so nice............How am I going to get across the
room without my wheelchair?...............I wonder if I can get on the
floor......It would feel good to get down on the floor...........it's not
walking but at least I'd be somewhere where I'm used to being.............I'd
be a bit more independent......................my arms are pretty strong
now............I can carry my weight easily...................If I just lift
myself up and put my heels on the floor I should be able to ease myself down on
my butt..............here I go........yes I can do this............now how am I
going to get across the room..............it's ok mom.........don't worry I can
do it.............look mom, if I turn around and drag my butt across the floor
with my hand I can move around and go anywhere!!! I like this!........it's better than being in
the wheel chair although it's slower........
I
have a room to sleep in with a hospital bed...............my husband thought I
needed a hospital bed...............I don't know why................they're not
comfortable..................he doesn't like it that I came home to my mother's
but I can't help it.........I would die if I went home with him..............I
wouldn't make it.........I know.........I wouldn't have the courage to walk
again...........I know it.............I wouldn't have anyone to look after me
there............they want to get a nurse to look after me there and a
babysitter for the kids...............I've had enough of nurses for a
while...........I need my family.........my kids need to be with people who
love them........I don't want to go there, I want to stay with my
mother............my mother wants
me
here....
I've
been home for a few days.............I've been sleeping a lot........I'm really
tired...........exhausted........
I
have a phone call???........it's 11:00 pm.......I've been to bed since
9:00pm............Why is my husband calling me at 11:00 pm???.............What??
What are you saying???? Who??...........I said what???...........I never even
talked to her.....Where are the kids??? What do you mean???? I thought they
were with your mother???........To my sisters????.........I don't know anything
about it????.........I don't care WHAT she told you, I'm NOT lying!!!!.....I
can't believe this is happening........WHAT is he taking about???.why is he
calling waking me up at this hour.........WHY is he so mad at me!!........I
never did anything.......I really don't need this...........I can't deal with
this................GOODBYE!!!...........I'm so mad.........I hung up on
him!!........I've never done that before...........but I can't handle this
right now..............Where are my kids???.....sob...........haven't I had
enough??................sob....Why do I need to go through this???....sob, sob,
sob......I can't help it mom...........I'm worried about my kids now!! Coady is
sick.......he's on a maxi mist machine.................Why are they to my sisters
house?.......I don't understand......he says that I told my sister to look
after the kids because she could do a better job......He says his mother came
home crying saying that my sister said to her that I didn't want her to look
after the kids........it may be true that my sister can look after the kids
better but I never said anything to my mother in law nor to my
sister...........she has no idea how to give Coady his machine.......I'm glad
Darlene is looking after Coady because she has a son that is asthmatic and is
used to that kind of thing. But I don't know why she's saying I said anything
because I didn't!
It's
a beautiful day this morning even though last night was horrible......mom says,
let go out on the patio.......my friend is here to visit me.......I'm so glad
she's here...........it's the first time she's seen me since my
accident...............it's only around 10:00 am and it's very warm out and
nice..........it feels good
My
husband is turning in the driveway? What
is he doing here this early??.....He doesn't look happy..........he's
mad.....very mad.......he's coming up the steps shouting at me........I don't
really know what he's saying.......he's shouting so loud........I think he's
asking me why I said what I said to my sister?..........I'm trying to tell him
I didn't say anything to anyone.........he doesn't want to believe
me..........he just keeps shouting at me.................She's
lying!!!!.........I didn't say anything to my sister!!!!.........I tell him to
leave.......get out!!!! go home!!!! I don't want you here!!!..............he
keeps coming towards me really fast.......he's very angry..........he has his
fist out............he's done that before........but not with his closed
fist......usually open to slap me.............but he just pretends like he's
going to slap me he hasn't yet........but I'm always waiting for that time he's
going to do it............but his fist is closed this time.......he's grabbing
me.........he's got me lifted out of my wheel chair by my t-shirt.........he's
drawing back his arm to swing.........PLEASE GOD!!! NO!!! not my
face.........haven't I had enough!!!...........Please!!!!.............he 's
going to punch me in the face.....................but my face will split open
again!!!!!!!......I'm so scared.........sob, sob, sob..................my
mother is screaming at him..........let her go!!!!.......he's drawing back
again to hit me..............I can see he's fighting in his mind, trying to decide if he should let me go or not, I
think he's going to let me go but he draws back once again........I hear myself
screaming as if it's coming from someone else....................I see my
friend jumping over the patio fence and running down the
road.............Something stops him....probably my mother screaming in his ear.....he lets me go...............words
are pouring out of my mouth, I hardly know what I'm saying........I hear myself
saying the words....don't you ever come back!!!!......leave and don't you ever
come back!!! sob sob sob.........I don't want you anymore.............I can't
do it.............He's going.......what a relief!!!.....he
leaving!!!!..........I'm not dealing with him anymore..........I can't do
it...... I tried, I wanted to....I don't think it's good for me.........I won't
do it anymore.......no I won't...........I don't care if I have to live on the
streets.......I won't be treated like this again!!!............My kids deserve
better!!.......I don't want them to grow up seeing this kind of
stuff..........it's not good for them......this is not the behavior I want them to learn....I'm going to die if I stay...........I
have nightmares........I have nightmares that when I sleep he's going to kill me...............He's looking for our daughter................a friend has
taken her for a walk...........I hope he doesn't find her....................Oh
God please let this be over!!!
I
need to take a bath again...........I went to my cousins house and she helped
me get in the tub at her house......................I want to get in the tub
and soak at my house ............I haven't been able to wash except in a basin for a while..................the
tub is upstairs............I wonder how I can get upstairs.............. it's
ok mom! I'll be alright!.........poor mom she worries about everything I do....but I love that she cares........maybe I can drag myself up
there............I wonder?..........I can go up backwards....one step at a time.......hands on the
bottom step, lift drag......hands on the next step....lift, drag.......I'm
going up......it's working I can do this...........I can pull myself up the
steps!!.....My legs are just hanging down, maybe more than they should be but I think it will be alright....It's only for a few minutes until I get up the steps........I can feel the blood going to my feet a bit and it's a bit painful.........There I've made it up the steps! I'm so proud.!.......yes I can
take a bath!.........Ohhhh it's going to feel so good..............it's a bit
hard to get my arms back far enough to lift myself up on the tub............it's
taking almost all the strength I have to lift myself up................I've got
it!...........now how am I going to sit in the water with these cast
on.................if I just leave my legs on the side of the tub I should be
able to......yup there I go......ahhhhh.......nice.......going down the steps goes a lot faster.
I'm
trying to be as helpful as I can..........I don't want to be a burden on
anyone..................I can help with the dishes........it hurts my back the
way I need to twist my body around in the wheel chair to get at the
dishes.......I can't wash them, but I can dry them............I can't believe
I'm in a wheel chair....I still can't believe it.............I don't understand
how this has happened.......it wasn't in my plans..............I have to start
listening to that voice........the voice that told me not to go that
day..............I know there was a voice..............I don't know what that
voice is, but I have to start paying attention...........it could have saved me
from a lot of trouble......
I'm
so frustrated.....I want to feel normal..............I have such strong urges
to be on my feet!...............I never would have thought that I could get
such urges to stand on my feet........I guess we usually take walking and
standing for granted like we will always be doing it............I guess there's
no guarantee..........you never know............and it's sad that we don't know
that..........we would appreciate it more..................I want to get up so
bad...........I'll be so thankful when I can walk!! I will!!........I'll never
take it for granted again if I can only walk!!!..............Maybe I can hang
myself on the corner of the cupboard for a few seconds.....just to feel like
I'm standing.......it seems to be about my height...................I can back
up the wheel chair in the corner and lift myself with my arms holding on to the counter and let my feet
dangle over the wheel chair..........yes, this works........I like it.......whenever
I get a strong urge I'll do this................just to feel a bit like I'm
standing.........
I've
learned to get on my knees while I'm in bed..........without touching my feet
on the bed.........I can balance on my knees as long as I don't fall back on my
feet.............this is neat............I feel like I'm almost
standing............I can see myself in the mirror..............I have no legs
and no butt!!!...so skinny..I've always had full legs and a full butt...so funny!!........I've never seen that before!!.......I'm
so small!............I look like a little girl.......my muscles are gone in the
bottom half...............but the muscles in my top half are huge! ........I
hope they come back when I start walking........
He's
here!!!!.............he wants to take the kids from me!!!............I have the
baby sitting in my lap in the wheel chair.......he's in the
house!!!!!.............LEAVE!!!!.........NOOOOOOOOO!!! don't take
her!!!!!!..............PLEASE!!!!! sob, sob, sob.........MOM!!!!! DON'T LET HIM
TAKE HER!!!! SOB SOB
He
says he's going to prove me an unfit mother!!!................YOUR HURTING
HER!!!!!!!..... I can see my son, he's standing close by.......he's so
pale..........he's so scared.............he's always been a strong
boy..............but he's scared this time..........I've never seen him this
scared..............what am I going to do???..........I can't fight him in a
wheel chair!!!!! sob, sob, sob...........mom is trying to reason with him to
let her go.......can't you see that you're hurting her!!!! .....she's
crying!!!!....Please GOD don't take my kids!!!!................My brothers
here!!!!!...He heard the commotion from upstairs......Kirk help me!!! he's trying to take our daughter away from
me!!!!.............please don't let her go!!!!!!........................He
wants to fight..............he wants to fight with my brother............he's
challenging him................not a good thing to do..............I wouldn't
challenge my brother to fight...........he's a lot stronger than you.............he's
asking him to go outside................my brother is trying to calm him
down............he doesn't want to calm down..........he want to
fight......................my brother gets tired of the
foolishness...............I can see his face changing.........he's getting
angry.......................husband, you'd better run if my brother gets a hold
of you........................stop him Kirk.................you can do
it..........I know you are stronger than he is.................there he goes..............he's
turning him around and pushing him out the door........he's not going to stand
for this foolishness............he's going to protect me and my
children.........I'm so thankful he's here!!!...........I don't know what I'd
do without my family.............I love them so...........all of
them........all of them that helped me through this..........but my brother
protects us................I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't
been here..........He's gone now............it didn't take him long to back down
when he was outside.....he knows how strong my brother is..........he left............Please God let me get out of
this wheel chair fast!!.........I can't stay here..............The doctor says
I'm still in shock after a month................she says my eyes are still
dilated.................I wonder what that means?.............doesn't sound
good............what is shock?...............but if it's about healing.....I can see why I'm
not healing as fast as I should.................there's too much going
on........I can't be in a wheel chair............I don't know how anyone could
stand to live in one of these.........I hate it...........I'm not staying
here........as soon as the doctor says I'm healed enough, I'm outta
here!!..........I'll never stay.........I can't do it........but I will
walk or I'll die trying.
I'm getting a bit stronger everyday....it's still very hard..........my face hurts almost as much as my feet now...........the bones in my jaw hurt really bad and so does my scar...................I helped the nurse remove all the stitches from my chin and mouth before we left the hospital............it's still swollen...........I never realized that I had been cut from the bottom of my chin right up through my lips and down the inside of my bottom lip and inside between my lip and teeth,......................my daughter lets me hold her now.........she's not afraid anymore........she squirms a lot......and sometimes she hits my jaw and it hurts sooooo bad!!
I'm getting a bit stronger everyday....it's still very hard..........my face hurts almost as much as my feet now...........the bones in my jaw hurt really bad and so does my scar...................I helped the nurse remove all the stitches from my chin and mouth before we left the hospital............it's still swollen...........I never realized that I had been cut from the bottom of my chin right up through my lips and down the inside of my bottom lip and inside between my lip and teeth,......................my daughter lets me hold her now.........she's not afraid anymore........she squirms a lot......and sometimes she hits my jaw and it hurts sooooo bad!!
I'm
glad it's summer, it would be worse if it was winter.......at least my brother
and mother can take me outside on the patio,we have a big
patio............I'm so glad my brother is here........he's so strong, he can
pick me up like I'm a baby and carry me
around.......I feel so safe with him..........he can handle my wheel chair so
well............my mother is doing a lot better.......I'm so glad
I
love and hate going into malls..........I love having something to do.......at
least I can shop, but the people stare at you so..............I'm sure I'm
quite a sight with this big wheel chair with my feet sticking straight out and
my feet propped up on pillows, but do they really need to be
ignorant??........some actually stop in their tracks and watch me go by with
their mouths hanging open!!......like what's up with that??.............then there are others
that will come up to me and ask me what happened......I don't mind
that.......the kids will especially do that.............I try to explain it to
them in a way that won't scare them...........I don't want them to be
afraid.......their eyes get really big when I tell them that I was in a car
accident, I'm sure it makes them think and they've probably never even heard of such a thing before.
It
has been 4 months now...so many trips back to the hospital......so far to
go.............but I'm healing and that is good...................this is my
last trip back and forth in this ambulance............they are going to take off the cast for good and take the pins out....................I really don't like
it when they take off my cast......it is so painful...........it feels like
they are cutting right into my bones even though they are just cutting the
plaster.......my feet are sooooo sensitive..........I think just to blow on
them would be painful...................
SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!! I CAN'T HOLD MY FEET!!!!!.....SCREEAAAAM!!! It hurts!!!!!.......What's hurting they are asking ???..........I don't know!!..........sob..............they are putting on the cast again.............it stopped hurting...............they take it off again..........SCREEEAMMM!!!!! sob........it hurts again........I don't know why..............it's just because my feet have been in the same position for 4 months..........it's going to take a while to get used to it..............The doctors take my casts off again and.they are holding my feet in the same position as the cast was and it's not hurting but as soon as they let it go, it hurts again............it's getting better and better........they are moving my feet just slightly, a bit at a time until I can relax and let them fall naturally........so are you going to put me to sleep to take the pins out of my feet now?.......NO?.......hahaha yeah right!!!?.............your not?...no?.......so you're going to freeze me?......NO?? You're not going to freeze me???....What are you going to do then doctor???.........You're going to pull them out with plyers???..yeah that sounds interesting!!!.....and you're not going to put me asleep or freeze me??? I don't believe you!!!...hahaha...........you can't do that.......that's torture!!!............He's smilling.....He's really going to do that..........OH MY GOD!!!......he's really going to pull them out with plyers!!...........They must be crazy!!!.....He was smiling so it must not be that bad but it seems like it would be.........Mom can't come in.....she's too scared......she can't handle this...........she's going to stay outside in the waiting room...........I'm scared..............the ambulance guys will stay with me...........at least I know them as they've been traveling me back and forth to Halifax for months............it must be alright if they do this all the time..............it sounds like it should hurt...............they said it would hurt more to freeze me...................ok here we go..............I have two guys on either side of me holding my hands......it's probably a good thing............there's the plyers..............he's starting with the little one....all 5 of them are sticking out about an inch each........they are sticking out of my feet.........it looks like something out of a Frankenstein movie.........weird.........it doesn't look like my feet anymore..............I can see both bones in my legs so clearly.............it's like I only have bones and skin on top of them.....like a skeleton with skin...................he got the first one out............that wasn't too bad!! phew.......I thought it was going to be worse than that!!!.........no worse than having a tooth pulled at the dentist..............I can do this...............Oh.......the next one wasn't as good...........The next was worse!.......................they're wiggling the next one .......OHHHHHHH!!!!! it hurts!!!!!! sob sob...........I don't want to do it anymore!!!! the next one is big....the pin is really big...........I'm so scared.......................................I can't breathe!!!!!!!........... IT"S STUCK!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!! SCREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!.....I see blood flying everywhere, over the doctors face, on the floor it's squirting everywhere!!! SOB, SOB, SOB,.....I'm making strange sounds...........it feels like it's never going to stop hurting..............my hands are so white from holding on to the guys hands........it's over, it's over!!!! It's alright now.........it's over...............................I can go home now
SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!! I CAN'T HOLD MY FEET!!!!!.....SCREEAAAAM!!! It hurts!!!!!.......What's hurting they are asking ???..........I don't know!!..........sob..............they are putting on the cast again.............it stopped hurting...............they take it off again..........SCREEEAMMM!!!!! sob........it hurts again........I don't know why..............it's just because my feet have been in the same position for 4 months..........it's going to take a while to get used to it..............The doctors take my casts off again and.they are holding my feet in the same position as the cast was and it's not hurting but as soon as they let it go, it hurts again............it's getting better and better........they are moving my feet just slightly, a bit at a time until I can relax and let them fall naturally........so are you going to put me to sleep to take the pins out of my feet now?.......NO?.......hahaha yeah right!!!?.............your not?...no?.......so you're going to freeze me?......NO?? You're not going to freeze me???....What are you going to do then doctor???.........You're going to pull them out with plyers???..yeah that sounds interesting!!!.....and you're not going to put me asleep or freeze me??? I don't believe you!!!...hahaha...........you can't do that.......that's torture!!!............He's smilling.....He's really going to do that..........OH MY GOD!!!......he's really going to pull them out with plyers!!...........They must be crazy!!!.....He was smiling so it must not be that bad but it seems like it would be.........Mom can't come in.....she's too scared......she can't handle this...........she's going to stay outside in the waiting room...........I'm scared..............the ambulance guys will stay with me...........at least I know them as they've been traveling me back and forth to Halifax for months............it must be alright if they do this all the time..............it sounds like it should hurt...............they said it would hurt more to freeze me...................ok here we go..............I have two guys on either side of me holding my hands......it's probably a good thing............there's the plyers..............he's starting with the little one....all 5 of them are sticking out about an inch each........they are sticking out of my feet.........it looks like something out of a Frankenstein movie.........weird.........it doesn't look like my feet anymore..............I can see both bones in my legs so clearly.............it's like I only have bones and skin on top of them.....like a skeleton with skin...................he got the first one out............that wasn't too bad!! phew.......I thought it was going to be worse than that!!!.........no worse than having a tooth pulled at the dentist..............I can do this...............Oh.......the next one wasn't as good...........The next was worse!.......................they're wiggling the next one .......OHHHHHHH!!!!! it hurts!!!!!! sob sob...........I don't want to do it anymore!!!! the next one is big....the pin is really big...........I'm so scared.......................................I can't breathe!!!!!!!........... IT"S STUCK!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!! SCREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!.....I see blood flying everywhere, over the doctors face, on the floor it's squirting everywhere!!! SOB, SOB, SOB,.....I'm making strange sounds...........it feels like it's never going to stop hurting..............my hands are so white from holding on to the guys hands........it's over, it's over!!!! It's alright now.........it's over...............................I can go home now
Hi
mom.......I see the pained and worried look on her face......everyone is looking at me in the waiting room with a concerned look................everyone looks like
they feel really bad for me....................mom says they heard me screaming
really loud........................I'm ok now......I'm ok....it's over..I'm never doing it again.....let's go home
I'm
home again!! I'm so excited!!!! I can go for therapy now....learn to walk
again...................I wonder if I can walk now................they said I could learn to walk now........It's not
far across the room................don't worry mom, I can do
it!!!...........watch..........poor mom, she looks like she going to have a
heart attack, hahaha...........................see I did it!!!..........I only
needed to make 1 steps and a half and fall on the couch on the other side.......wow!!!! I'm walking!!!
does it ever feel
good...........independence............yes!
I
won't need this wheel chair soon,......I'll be walking...........the therapist
says that it takes a long time to start walking again...................he's
giving me some crutches, I've never had crutches before....it feels strange to
hold them..........he says for me to stand up with them.......................I try to stand up straight but I have NO balance and I feel myself falling forward and I can't stop
myself, I'm going to smash right in the floor!!!.........someone is grabbing my
shirt from the back.....................it's the therapist he didn't let me
fall to the floor, he pulled me back up...........he's says "oops, I guess
your not ready for crutches, we'll have to start you with a walker until you
can get your balance back"...............I'm a bit disappointed but not
discouraged............a walker is for old people..............I don't want to
feel old...........but it helps me a lot to regain my balance, I can walk
around the floor there.........it's very painful.....but I don't care, I just
want to walk..
I
come home and walk around the house..............I wonder if I can walk
outside??..............yeah I want to go for a walk.................ignore the
pain.........the pain doesn't decide what your going to
do...................I'm doing it, I can't believe I'm doing it.............I'm
actually out for a walk by myself.................I feel like a "big
girl"............I'm so happy!!!!..............it feels like I'm walking on
broken glass................every step is sharp and painful, but I can't think
of that too much, I have to ignore it........it's like if I would have pieces of glass
sticking out from under my feet............it's weird.................everyone
going by is waving to me, I feel like a celebrity..........I think they're happy to see me walking even
if it is with a walker........................It's so painful......I can't
stand it anymore..............I have to lift myself off of my feet while holding on to the walker with my arms
to relieve some of the pain.........I can almost sit on the walker if I balance
myself right........then I can keep going a bit more.............I've made it a
few houses down the road, I think I'm doing pretty good............time to go
back though, I don't want to collapse here on the road and I feel like I'm about to do that.
It's
been a week now, I'm ready for the crutches, the walker just doesn't cut it
anymore, it's in my way. I can walk around the house without any help except
holding on to the walls and furniture.......I feel like such a dummy when I
walk.............it's really hard to limp on 2 feet............makes you walk
funny..........but I won't have any limps............I'm going to concentrate
really hard on not limping........it's really hard to limp on 2 feet anyways so
I may as well not do that......I have no feet I can favor............both hurt
equally.........some of the toes on my right foot don't work.....I can't move
them at all, I try really hard and it is so discouraging to not be able to do something I was doing before...it feels really bad and it seems like I'll never get over this feeling of somethings not right with my foot..........my ankle on the left foot is so crooked........every
step I take I need to concentrate on keeping it straight
I never thought for a minute that I wouldn't walk again.........I dared not let myself
think it.........I know I stopped the thought.........I can remember it there,
trying to form itself, but I said no.............I wouldn't let it through
because I thought that if I did, it would stop me from walking and I was going
to walk, I had to.
I
said I would go dancing, not only walk, so now I have to go dancing at the
Legion hall......I'm a bit embarrassed going in with crutches. It's somehow
makes you feel less than because you know people will look at you with pity.
There
is a song I've been listening to on the radio and it makes me cry every time I
hear it. It's called " When I'm back on my feet again" by Michael
Bolton.....it goes like this:
Gonna
break these chains around me
Gonna
learn to fly again
May
be hard, may be hard
But
I'll do it
When
I'm back on my feet again
Soon
these tears will all be dried'
Soon
these eyes will see the sun
Might
take time, might take time
But
I'll see it
When
I'm back on my feet again
Chorus
When
I'm back on my feet again
I'll
walk proud down this street again
And
they'll all look at me again
And
they'll see that I'm strong
Gonna
hear the children laughing
Gonna
hear the voices sing
Won't
be long, won't be long
Till
i hear them
When
I'm back on my feet again
Gonna
feel the sweet light of heaven
Shining
down its light on me
One
sweet day, one sweet day
I
will feel it
When
I'm back on my feet again
This
gives me comfort and gives me hope for the future, that I won't be pitied
anymore but I'll be strong, someday they won't see my problems but they'll see
me the person I am. The strength I've been given.
My
father-in-law and Mother-in-law is there at this dance.........that's not
good.............I wonder how they'll behave............I'll just stay on my
side of the hall.........hopefully they won't bother
me.........................I'm dancing, I'm dancing on crutches!!!...........wow!!!...........I
like it........it makes me feel normal kind-of..............
.
.
I'm
sitting down talking to my friends and family........someone's at my back
talking to me.......it's my father-in- law..............he's really
angry............I don't know what he's saying.............he's
drunk.....................he wants to fight me!!!!...........he telling me to
get up so we can fight!!!........................I can't fight........I'm on
crutches!!!........I'd probably fall down before he hits
me.....................just be quiet, don't look at him, maybe he'll go
away..........keep your head down..........why can't it stop!!!................I just want it to
stop!!!!............................I wish I'd never met these
people...............what's wrong with them???..................GET
UP!!!!......I hear him yelling at me.....NO, keep your head down, hopefully he'll go away............someone told the bouncer that he's bothering me and
he's talking to him......................please make him go
away!!!!.......................he's gone back over to his
table...good..................
GET UP AND FIGHT!!!!!...............he's here again!!? sob...................the bouncer is talking to him again.................he's been told not to come back...........I wish he hadn't done that.....I can't believe he would do that to me........he's always been so good to me......sob, sob....Now I know where his son gets it from
GET UP AND FIGHT!!!!!...............he's here again!!? sob...................the bouncer is talking to him again.................he's been told not to come back...........I wish he hadn't done that.....I can't believe he would do that to me........he's always been so good to me......sob, sob....Now I know where his son gets it from
It's
one more week now, I don't need my crutches, I'm back on my feet
again........no one will hurt me now!
I've become strong, no, I've been MADE strong!! There is something bigger than me, I'm not
sure what it is, I'm not sure I want to call it GOD yet, but I've seen and
heard a voice that I know wasn't me. I've depended on it because I had no
choice and this BEING made me see it. I'm glad I see it now. I have to learn how to
listen and hear the voice. It's something that is inside me somehow. I don't
understand it, but I need to figure out what it is.....
I always knew you to be strong even in your younger days.wish you the best and your passion and strong will to live a normal life is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much!!! Comments like this makes it...easier to bare. Knowing that I can inspire someone else is a great blessing. :)
DeleteWow, Lee Anne, once I started reading this I couldnt stop, thank you for sharing your story, and sharing what it is like for the person in the accident, their perspective and needs that they cant express. This is the sort of thing that first responders should read, but maybe they are trained with this sort of information, I hope so.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you went through so much pain, and I so admire your courage to share it all now, to help others. I guess you never know what you are strong enough to survive until you have no choice.
Thank you Hannah!! I appreciate your comment!!
ReplyDeleteI don't really think of myself with having courage really, because I sure wouldn't have went through this if I had known!!! it is just like you said, when you are faced with such a situation you really have little choice,you either go through it or give up and I'm not a quitter so... The strength and courage comes after the fact , because of it, not really anything of your own doing I guess but you cannot quit, that is without a doubt. You have to use all the stubbornness that you can muster up and turn it into determination. Don't ever forget that if you are ever faced with a really hopeless looking situation!! Remember these words!!
What a powerful post! When I saw the Car Accident link on your sidebar, I had to click on it because I, too, was hit by another driver. My injuries were definitely not as extensive as yours, but I continue to this day to get better since 100% is my ultimate goal. I remember the first few weeks being in so much physical pain and dealing with a concussion and post-concussion syndrome, and a torn ligament. What really bothers me now is thinking back and missing some of the signs that one of my daughter's main injuries was not healing. I still get upset thinking that that not only did we suffer physical injuries, but I wasn't in the right mind to properly and adequately notice the nuances of my daughter's injuries which caused her immense suffering for 18 mos. She's finally fine, but we will never be sure how long it will last. Being temporarily robbed of the ability to do my "mom job" will always haunt me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that Kat!!
ReplyDeleteI believe everything happens for a reason and there are probably reasons why you missed those signs that you don't even know of. I know what you mean about the "mom job" probably that was the hardest part of my ordeal. Being a mom, to most people, is so ingrained in us that it is very very hard to have to separate from it for any reason!!! It's like having your heart torn out of your chest!!!
I hope your daughter's problems do not return!!!
It is odd that this late evening, I was looking through an old magazine and came upon a blog which eventually led me to your story. I have been having a tough time lately and after reading your story I decided that a message has been sent to me. Call it spiritual intervention if you will, but I know it is not a coincidence to pick up this magazine, which by the way, is four years old!! So with that, I will say thank you, my angel of sorts for helping me to see that I really don't have it as badly as it seems just that I need to do some serious thinking about the blessings I do have......Bless you and thank you....
ReplyDelete