Friday, October 10, 2014

Rough rough rough and tough, that's what life is at times!!!

Wow, rough, rough, rough and tough. That's how life is sometimes, a lot of times for me I guess. Sometimes I do not like being me at all and then other times I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Life is so strange sometimes it overwhelms me. I know we have to learn lessons but goodness gracious, haven't I learned enough already???!!!!! lol
There are times I feel that I am the most loved person in the world and then the very next day I can feel like I am the most hated person in the world. I'm sure other people go through this but I feel so alone when this happens. Life can be going along fine and then chaos happens and you have no idea why it's happening. Yes, this is the story of my life, great and then Kapow!!
 I guess I've had worse times in my life than now but I wasn't a Jesus follower at the time and I could deal with it in a different ways. If I wanted to curse I'd curse and if I wanted to scream and yell I would scream and yell and if I wanted to go on a little binge I would do that too and if I wanted to be selfish I was that too!!  But now, I have to keep my temper in check, forgive everyone, not use the booze, not lie, love my enemies, think of others etc etc etc. PLUS deal with all the rest of the crap that happens in life. Sometimes it brings me to the point of quitting and then as fast as it comes it's gone again and life returns to normal...for a short period of time. Life is such a roller coaster and/or is it me and this Fibromyalgia/ arthritis/menopause that i'm on?? Whatever it is I seem to be having the ride of my life at times. Up and down and sometimes I'm going sideways too!!! hahaha   Now that's a ride!!!
I can't say there is anything major going on right now really but I don't seem to be having a good year. I've been to many funerals this year and I think that is bothering me and making me think.
 I drive through the neighborhood and I've reached the age where you look around at the people and places you grew up in and you realize that a lot of the people and places you knew are dying off and that makes me sad. There is definitely a sense of deep loss. It's something I don't want to let go of, the past with it's places and the people I knew triggering special memories. I am at that age where the older generation are leaving or will be leaving shortly and am realizing I am becoming the older generation. The people I relied on are mostly gone and now I have become the reliable one. Maybe it is because my mother is gone already although she has been gone since I was 25 years old. The sense of I'm responsible is only hitting me now as I see others fade away too. I wonder if she ever reached that age where she felt this way before she died...

I pray and this seems to help and if it doesn't I beg and I plead  and really cry out until God hears me and answers my prayers.

Maybe things will be better in the new year. There will be a fresh beginning with a new grandson on the way. Due March the 7th on my birthday!! How special is that!!?  I'm sure he will be a bundle of joy to everyone, especially my daughter and boyfriend who has been waiting for him to arrive for a long time! Can wait to meet him and look forward to going to Alberta to help out with the delivery!!!

Later alligators ;)