Thursday, November 1, 2012

Deeply knowing that I am dearly loved by my God

I find myself not knowing God's will for my life again. I fear when I should have faith. I know what he is telling me and I doubt myself. I've always been a doubter, never trusting myself when I know the answer to something, always second guessing myself and then I hear someone else talking all about what I had in my head. It's totally time for me to stop doing that and start speaking what I believe instead of hearing it from someone else!! Even if I'm wrong sometimes. If I am God will show me. He knows I hate being wrong.  I don't need to be afraid of what someone will think of me  or say about me, they have their own share of things that I could say about them if I chose to.  I don't need to worry. I don't need to feel bad about myself but I need to to start speaking what I feel God is showing me. Why should I ask someone for the answers to my situation when they can't even figure out their own??? Why? The fact is I shouldn't. It's time to go straight to God and wait for his answer and it's time to let it out and maybe no one will listen...but who cares? At least I'm doing what I think he's trying to tell me.... SPEAK IT.

There are times that I forget not to worry about what someone else will think of me and I beat myself up verbally. I listen to the dialog inside my head and it's all negative. "Oh look what you've done, no wonder people are talking about you (and maybe they are not I just think they are) Why are you so dumb? Look what you've done you shouldn't have done that!! What is wrong with you?? Are you stupid? No one likes you now. Everyone hates you and they'll never forget this, ever." On and on it goes on for days and days and nights like a broken record and I can turn the darn thing off." I go straight to God and I pray about it which is good...God why am I feeling this way? Why do I sound like a broken record? What's wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a person? Why do I get these heavy feelings like I'm awful?  and God always answers me and reassures me that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me or what someone else believes but only what he thinks of me..and he thinks I'm great!  but then everything calms down and I forget all about it until the next situation. Does anyone else do this? I'm really going to learn this lesson soon so I don't have to keep going on like this. Having been severely bullied as a child is where God has shown me this stems from. At the least sign of anything that reminds me of that I am right back there, hated by my haters. I need to start deeply knowing that I'm dearly loved by my God.